Sorry, honey. It's not a Hallmark

July 6, 1974 - in all of its '70's splendor!

July 6 marks a very special date in our family history. On this date 37 years ago, Hubby and I vowed to love and to cherish each other in sickness and in health, as long as we both shall live. We left for our honeymoon that evening after a wonderful reception - the first night spent at a hotel airport - and headed to Hawaii the next day. My big, strong, and self-assured Hubby lived with his parents up until the day we wed, and had to call his mother from the hotel that first night to ask where his wallet was - my man’s mom had packed his suitcase for his first ever plane trip with his first ever wife! We returned two weeks later, discovered what it was like to live together, and have been cherishing each other ever since.

37 years equals 37 anniversaries - skillfully marketed with increasingly expensive symbolic gifts - paper, wood, crystal, silver - and eventually the Golden 50 and Diamond 60th. Hubby has typically ignored such “foolish” traditions, and often chose to mark many July 6th’s with diamonds, rubies and emeralds, oh my! We frequently relived our honeymoon with trips to Hawaii, and recounted our years together while strolling our favorite beaches and toasting life together at our favorite barefoot bar. Such wonderful memories, celebrating our good fortune of finding “the one” all those years ago.

How are we celebrating the Big 3-7? The best way we know how - by being together. After so many memorable anniversary gifts and excursions, we still find pure joy in simply spending time in each other’s company - no gifts required, no trip necessary. Every day is a celebration of our wedding day.

There has been one constant in our 37 years - the Anniversary Card. You know the ones on the top rows in the card stores, with embossed flowers or silouhettes of adoring couples strolling hand-in-hand along the beach at sunset. A college graduate who is probably grateful to have put his English major to practical use, fills the pages with words intended to express the card giver’s everlasting love - and amazement - that the couple has managed to survive all of marriage’s ups and downs, and each other!

Personally, I am not a fan of mushy card sentiments and often opt for the alternate humorous variety. Hubby, on the other hand, is the card master. His gift is not in finding the perfect card – it is what he puts inside.  He fills the entire inner leaf with his personal reflections - words that no Hallmark writer could touch! I love Hubby’s cards, and have a hope chest filled with 36 anniversary messages, carefully written, and representative of our extraordinary marriage. They mean as much to me as the diamonds, rubies and emeralds.

Honey, I am sorry to say that I didn’t get you a card this year. However, I have a good excuse - I was writing my blog! Instead of standing a piece of folded cardstock on the mantle this year, I am sharng my love for you with you and all of my “followers”. Paula is shouting from the rooftop, “I Love My Hubby!” And I did the math....here’s to our 37th. I have loved every 1.17 billion seconds of it! Now, on to 38!

July 6, 1974 - July 6, 2011

13,514 Days

324,336 Hours

19,460,160 Minutes

1,167,609,600 Seconds

Happy Anniversary to the man who still makes every day a gift.

I love you more than words can say.

Mother/Daughter Weekends

After my two month hiatus, I’m back to blogging. I confess that I have missed my daily writing date with my laptop. Not that I ever put the computer away. On the contrary, Hubby surprised me with my first Mac laptop for my birthday - we have evolved into that point in our marriage when I am as thrilled with the gift of a  MacBook as I used to be with a diamond tennis bracelet. Yet, since my 30 posts in 30 days personal challenge, I have struggled finding a theme for my future posts. My list of blog topics is long, yet random - and the organizer in me felt the need to tie it all up with some sort of all-encompassing theme. What I have come to accept is that my 60 year old brain is better equipped to deal with stream of consciousness missives and observations on small subjects rather than deep thoughts. Maybe at some point, the big picture take-aways will reveal themselves.  For now, thank you for joining me on this next exploration of life at 60....

Daughter, Son’s fiancé, and I are headed to the desert and the closest poolside lounge chair for a few days of....well....nothing! The beauty of this trip is that there is no itinerary, other than being together. Our biggest decision will be which SPF factor sunscreen to use (my years of unabashed sun-“baking” warrant the use of  SPF 1000+, a spot under an umbrella and a huge brimmed hat!).

Daughter and I began the tradition of our Palm Springs trips when she was in middle school. In those days, my role was relegated to that of chauffeur and financier - driving, and doling out dollars for entertainment that kept Daughter and her invited guest occupied for our spring break get-aways. Occasionally my teaching instincts would kick in, and I would drag the unwilling duo to a local museum or historic landmark. The only way they tolerated these death marches into forced learning was my promise that miniature golf, movies or a happy meal awaited them at the end of their suffering. Pool time meant  that I was on high alert, surveying the area for the presence of teenage boys, and making sure that the waterplay remained G-rated.  Those spring break trips were memorable - and I came home exhausted and eager for everyone to be back in school!

Our mother/daughter dynamic changed the summer she graduated from high school. That year, our Palm Springs trip was not the well-planned, bring-a-friend, spring break adventure of years past. Daughter needed some time away from home to deal with one of life’s most painful experiences - a break-up - and our hastily planned getaway was designed to give me time to offer comfort, wisdom and reassurance. In the familiar surroundings of our favorite little hotel and quiet pool, we laughed, she cried, I shared stories of my break-ups - and our mother/daughter relationship evolved. I was still her mother - but for the first time in our relationship, my almost 18 year old daughter seemed to “get” that I had once been her age.

In those three days, we spent hours talking to each other instead of at each other, and rarely left the pool and the hotel grounds. Our last evening there, we took a stroll through the weekly street fair and looked for a place to have dinner.  As fate would have it, we chose a very popular Mexican Restaurant, Las Casuelas Terrazza, and were seated on the patio where live music filled the warm summer night air.  We were happy, and Daughter was in a better place than she had been when we left home. The band played one familiar song after another and I eventually felt compelled to grab Daughter and said, “Come on, let’s dance!”  For a moment, she resisted. “Dance with my mother? In public? Someone might see me!” But I insisted, and she reluctantly joined me - for one song. Then another. And another. We stayed on the dance floor for the rest of the evening. To this day, whenever we hear the song, What I Like About You, we find each other to share a dance together - reliving that moment in Palm Springs when we danced with wild abandon to the tune, knowing how much we meant to each other. It was magical!

It has been years since we have re-lived our Palm Springs girls trip, and this will be the first time that Son’s fiancé will be joining us. Daughter made the reservations at our little hotel this year, and requested our favorite room. The same band still plays at the same restaurant, and I guarantee that dancing will be involved. Our poolside conversation will include Fiancé’s wedding plans, and Daughter’s dreams with the wonderful man in her life. Happy Meals have been replaced with Happy Hours, and if I am lucky, I may get one of them to join me for a stroll to the nearby museum - or maybe we’ll just hang at the pool!

 

Mother and Daughter in Palm Springs - 2001. My surprise 50th birthday party. Dancing included!

3-Word Wisdom 29: Seek your wisdom

With just two posts left to complete my “30 posts in 30 days toward 60” challenge, I am sad to be saying goodbye to my daily writing engagements with my laptop. When I began my “blog therapy” in January, I had no idea where it would take me - I was behind the wheel with no GPS directing me. I allowed myself to think (a lot!) about my life. In reading my posts I have confirmed what, in my heart, I already knew:

• I cherish my family and friends
• I need to love myself for who I am
• Each experience of my life – even the difficult ones - has contributed to the person I am
• I am happiest when giving back 

Writing has always helped me deal with my innermost feelings, and sharing my thoughts and experience with others helped me wrap my head around my birthday milestone and all of the anxiety that I had allowed myself to feel. My 3-Word Wisdom project was my way of pushing myself to look inwardly on a daily basis, and as it wraps up I feel a wonderful sense of accomplishment. I have tackled some very personal subject matter and shared a few never-before-told stories, and it has been liberating to “write out loud”.  My wisdom is just that – mine. Sharing it with you has been my personal journey of discovery. This has been Paula – unplugged!

Today’s 3-word wisdom. Seek your wisdom. Each of us has a lifetime of experiences – good, bad, and sometimes painful. Take time to reflect on your life and ask yourself how your journey has been shaped by the choices you have made and the people you have encountered. Let your self-discovery provide enlightenment into the person you are, and be honest with yourself – are you the person you want to be? By getting in touch with your personal wisdom, you will have an inner compass to help you through life’s best – and worst - moments. Here’s to your best life. I already have mine!

Here's to 60, and what life has in store!

3-Word Wisdom: Savor life's surprises

I am still in shock. Daughter, Son, Family and Friends were gathering at our house yesterday while we spent a carefully plotted diversionary trip to the wine country. As we made our way home and turned the corner onto our street, the sight was surreal - it took my breath away. There, lining each side of our very long driveway were over one hundred people to welcome us. SURPRISE!! Hubby and I arrived home from our fabulous wine tasting day to a surprise 60^th birthday party. A band played the Beatles Birthday Song – our family’s traditional birthday anthem. Caterers were cooking and a bartender was pouring drinks. Banquet tables, chairs, balloons, banners, and canopy shelters– a last minute necessity due to some uncooperative weather - filled the back yard. The home we had left in the morning had been transformed into a magnificent party venue, thanks to our wonderful children and the family and friends they enlisted to help.

Everyone asked, “Were you surprised?” Completely. Utterly. Totally. I did not want a party when Daughter asked about having some people over next weekend. We had plans for a future night out with the kids and that sounded perfect. Besides, I felt that people were really over my Big Day after so much self-indulgent blogging. Little did I know what had been in the works for months!

I was stunned, as was Hubby, who was also kept completely in the dark. This was OUR 60^th birthday party. We laughed and cried, hugged and danced - and apparently our neighbors called to police - at 8:00 pm - because we were making too much noise! It took 60 years to have someone call the cops on me – I am officially rowdy! 

I am still trying to wrap my head around the entire night, letting it all sink in. Photos were being taken and I am looking forward to reliving the night - it was all quite a blur! I want to say something profound to describe the sheer joy and gratitude I feel for the people who have filled my heart with love, but it will take some time to find the words. Thank you is not enough, but for now, it’s all I've got! This is Paula – Speechless.

Today’s 3-word Wisdom - Savor life’s surprises. We spend the majority of our life carefully planning and executing our days. If you are the recipient of an unexpected kindness – no matter how large or small – enjoy the surprise. And remember to say thank you – even when you are left speechless.




Friend & family gauntlet awaits our arrival

If only you could see our faces from inside the car!

Daughter looks relieved to have pulled of such a surprise!

3-Word Wisdom 23: Ditch the doubters

The Big Day is now one week away. My “blog therapy” has been a wonderful diversion, and the feedback from family and friends is beyond gratifying. 60 is now just seven days – and seven more blog posts – away. People are asking me how I am doing as the day approaches - I am fine. I really am. After all, it’s just a number. A really BIG number! I have clearly made a lot of noise about this birthday, and am looking forward to what the family has in store to mark my "birthday week” – yep, I get an entire week of fun, thanks to Hubby, Daughter and the Penguins. This is how Paula does 60!

Yesterday on my morning walk, I let myself meet up with someone who I really don’t like. It was Doubting Paula, and she was in my head - doing all she could to get my attention. She is not my friend. She is glass-half-empty Paula, and she is looking at 60 as an end rather than a beginning. I have approached every other decade with optimism for what’s in store - the start of a wonderful new chapter in life. But suddenly Doubting Paula reared her ugly head, and did her best to sell me a different script – one in which I must say goodbye to my pre-60 self. Doubting Paula tried to undo all of the positivity I have been focusing on these past weeks. And what’s worse, she made me cry. How dare she rain on my birthday parade. I picked up my walk pace and left that b*tch in the dust. Doubting Paula  is a total downer - she fills my head with thoughts of what I have not accomplished – she sees almost senior citizen Paula, not Super Adult Paula who is going to rock her 60’s with all she’s got. I may even throw myself a party – and guess who’s NOT getting an invitation!

Today’s 3-word wisdom: Ditch the doubters. Those (including the ones residing within your head) who cast a  gloomy shadow and project negativity along your path don’t belong in your life. Surround yourself with those who fill you with hope, optimism and love. Life is too special a gift - surround yourself with those worthy of sharing it with you.

Happy Birthday to me - 1956

3-Word Wisdom 22: Conquer a fear

In 2004, Hubby and I were selected to be contestants on “The Amazing Race - 7” – it was our fifteen milliseconds of fame. We had not auditioned. In fact, Hubby had never heard of the show. The casting director met us while we were participants in the Breast Cancer 3-Day, a 60 mile walk. It was a chance encounter – we were fellow walkers, and had enjoyed a couple of conversations together during our 60 mile journey. Apparently she was desperate to cast one last couple for their upcoming season, and we must have fit the “cute older couple” profile. We were offered the chance to head out in about two weeks, on a whirlwind world adventure, and would be gone for about forty days. Sadly, we had to decline the offer – Hubby had commitments that demanded his attention.

In watching the season’s episodes of “our” race, I imagined myself meeting the challenges of each week’s adventures. Would I have been able to rope a llama? Feed a lion? Could I muster the courage to zip-line across a gorge in the mountains of Peru?

Those of you who know me are already laughing. I am not a thrill-seeker. I avoid scary movies. During my skiing days, I was happiest on the beginner runs. When I travel, I am the one who actually checks the location the nearest emergency exit row. Some would call me a “fraidy cat” – I like to think of myself as sensible. Yet, as each stage of the Amazing Race challenged the contestants to some sort of physical or mental test, I found myself wanting to prove to myself that I could overcome a fear and face a challenge.

My personal Amazing Race moment occurred a couple of years later. I had always been uncomfortable with heights and had a dreadful fear of falling (ask Hubby about our honeymoon, and my panic attack when I thought our elevator was plummeting from the 28^th floor – it wasn’t, by the way!). The AR episode that had contestants zip-lining across the Huambutio Gorge in Peru looked incredible. I wanted to do that, and my opportunity came while we were in Maui. Zip line adventures were offered on the upcountry slopes of the Haleakala Crater. This was going to be my moment. Hubby and I signed the release, strapped on the harness and helmet and hiked into the jungle – and then I leapt off a platform and let myself fly across the canyon to the other side – five different times! It was indescribable, and there was such sublime satisfaction in facing a formerly unthinkable challenge – the empowerment was one of my life’s most liberating moments. I am still no thrill-seeker, but my zip line experience taught me that I can do something outside my personal comfort zone and be a stronger person as a result.

Today’s 3-Word Wisdom: Conquer a fear. Staying within your perceived safety zone all the time limits your potential, and cheats you out of opportunities that will enrich your life. Face your fear head on and imagine the satisfaction of taking control. You can do it!

Facing my fear of heights - from the edge of a rock!

She flies through the air....zip lining in Maui

3-Word Wisdom 21: Fill your dash

Today’s wisdom comes from an inspirational poem, The Dash, by Linda Ellis. I was not familiar with the poem when I first saw the phrase on the shirts worn by a team of fellow walkers at one of the 3-Day for the Cure breast cancer walks in which Hubby and I participate every year. Their shirts had the image of a beautiful young woman who had lost her battle with breast cancer. Her name, along with her birth and death years indicated that she was clearly gone too soon. The team’s name was “Filling our Dash”. Their message?  The dates representing the years you begin and end your earthly life are less significant than how you live the years within them – represented by the dash separating the two dates. It is how you fill your dash that defines the person you are.

Last April a special friend lost her four-year long battle with ovarian cancer. She had filled her dash raising two children who would become extraordinary adults. She welcomed her first grandchild the same year her cancer was diagnosed, and filled her dash with precious granddaughter time. She and her husband filled the dash between her chemo rounds with cruises and trips to reunite with long-lost family. Witnessing her strength in the face of death was both heartbreaking and inspirational. She was powerless over the outcome of her journey, but she took control of what she could. She planned her funeral service to the last detail – including the musical selections, the bible readings, and the guardian angel pins with a turquoise stone – symbolic of ovarian cancer awareness – that everyone would receive. In her final weeks she set in motion a complete kitchen remodel of her home, and while she did not live to see its completion, she attended to every last detail and finishing touch. To her, it needed to be done – she wanted her husband to have what he would need to be self-sufficient in her absence. She even instructed her daughter to make sure hubby knew the importance of correctly outfitting her beautiful stainless steel and granite designer kitchen with the proper accessories. Norma, your kitchen is a masterpiece and you are dearly missed – and you are my inspiration for filling one’s dash.

Today’s wisdom: Fill your dash. Life can be fleeting – don’t take it for granted. Live life to its fullest, make a difference, and consider the legacy of your life’s “dash”.

The Dash

I read of a man who stood to speak at the funeral of a friend.

He referred to the dates on her tombstone from the beginning... to the end.

He noted that first came her date of birth and spoke the following date with tears,

but he said what mattered most of all was the dash between those years. (1934-1998)

For that dash represents all the time that she spent alive on earth...

and now only those who loved her know what that little line is worth.

For it matters not, how much we won; the cars...the house...the cash,

what matters is how we live and love and how we spend our dash.

So think about this long and hard.. are there things you'd like to change?

For you never know how much time is left, that can still be rearranged.

If we could just slow down enough to consider what's true and real,

and always try to understand the way other people feel.

And be less quick to anger, and show appreciation more

and love the people in our lives like we've never done before.

If we treat each other with respect, and more often wear a smile.

Remembering that this special dash might only last a while.

So, when your eulogy's being read with your life's actions to rehash...

would you be proud of the things they said about how you spent your dash?

by Linda Ellis

In loving memory of Norma 1953 - 2010

Norma and friends, walking to support ovarian cancer research, May 2009

Norma, her daughter and granddaughter
January, 2010

3-Word Wisdom 20: Act your age

"We don't stop playing because we get old; we get old because we stop playing!" George Bernard Shaw

Let’s face it. We are a culture of age profilers. Society has carefully marketed a range of socially acceptable behavior and age stereotypes. As parents, we prepared ourselves for the terrible twos, the inquisitive threes, and the social fours. We have been programmed to assume that teens are defiant and twenty-something’s are adventurous. The social expectations of the thirties are marriage and families, and by forty our course has been charted as we lay the groundwork to enjoy the good life in our fifties.

So what are the 60’s supposed to look like? Advertisers portray the decade as an all-out assault on the aging process. We buy sensible shoes. We have stylish disposable undergarment options, and stroll along beaches, remembering the good old days. Our silver hair and wise smiles represent our super adult status, and we receive kind and loving comments of how good we look – for our age – by our young friends. Well, advertisers, I am not drinking your kool-aid! If this is how I am supposed to act, then I am not playing. Yours is NOT my 60’s!

This baby-boomer and her friends are redefining the new and improved sixth decade. Mine includes all of the things I have always loved – “Opera Nights” with Hubby, celebrations with family and friends, and girls’ nights out dressed in strappy sandals and fun dresses. My 60’s will focus on healthy living in order to keep playing – for as long as I want! I have accepted my age, but I refuse give in to the stereotype.

Today’s 3-word wisdom – Act your age. Define each stage in your life by being true to yourself. Take responsibility for your actions and make good choices along your life’s journey. And if you want to play, then play! Treasure your health and enjoy the life you want – not the life you are expected to live.



Playing on the John Muir Trail

Playing on the beach in Maui

3-Word Wisdom 19: Have friends over

It’s Saturday evening and Hubby and I are home, alone. Daughter and boyfriend declined our invitation in favor of a dinner and movie date night. Son and fiancé also sent regrets and are home, enjoying their own quiet evening. Our sweet rescue Golden Retriever, Lucy, just ate the last of the grilled shrimp we had for dinner, and Hubby made a lovely fire to keep us warm as we await the arrival of a late winter storm. He’s controlling the remote and I am lingering over my laptop – searching for Wisdom. Tonight is a far cry from many weekend nights at our home.

Our house is get-together central. From carefully planned weddings and engagement parties to impromptu pot lucks and pizza parties, we love hosting a houseful of friends and family. It's in our genes. I recall the gatherings that my parents hosted - 4^th of July barbecues with barely legal fireworks, and the annual New Year’s Day Rose Bowl game/chili fest, with Dad’s incomparable recipe. Hubby’s parents also welcomed family for summer pool parties and Christmas Eve gatherings. During our parallel middle-class existence, growing up in the San Fernando Valley of the 60’s, a night out was a night in – surrounded with the people you cared the most about – sharing food, stories and inexpensive fun.

We had a lot of wonderful role models when it came to entertaining. Besides our parents, Brother and his wife were extraordinary hosts. Sister-in-law added delightful special touches to her events – her attention to detail was not lost in me – she was my Martha Stewart! When the family gathering baton was eventually passed to me, I knew I had huge shoes to fill. The pressure was on, and I went to great lengths to assure that my events had the same impact on my guests as the gatherings of my childhood had on me.

It took me several years to realize that I had totally missed the mark. Great gatherings are measured by the enjoyment of the guests – not the matching plates and napkins. And while my inner Martha finds personal satisfaction with my origami toilet paper folds (I am known for my extra rolls of TP, neatly displayed with a specially fan-folded first sheet!), our parties are memorable for the wonderful people they bring together – old and new friends, sharing food, music and conversation.

Today’s 3-word wisdom: Have friends over. It can be simple or elaborate, large or intimate. The menu can be gourmet, pot-luck or take-out. Bring the people you love together and make no apologies for your home or your mismatched dishes. A night with loved ones at home is an unforgettable experience.

I realize that not everyone possesses the entertainment gene – or the back yard that will accommodate up to one hundred guests! But I believe that there is an innate human desire to spend time in the company of others. Sharing time at home with any number of special family and friends is one of our favorite pastimes and is, hopefully, one of yours. Now get your party started - and be sure to invite us!

Wonderful backyard memories. S'mores and family - reunion 2008

Yes, I actually do fold my extra toilet paper this way!

3-Word Wisdom 16: Do the work

If life gave us do-over’s, I would have continued my piano lessons – and my cello lessons – and my guitar lessons! I am a music lesson drop-out. As a child, music practice was torture, and the beginner music selections were dreadful. I wanted to play the piano like my mother, who did not read music and simply kept a handwritten list of the song titles that were her repertoire.  In her youth, Mom also played the banjo in an all girl band – the Merry Melody Maids. Besides the piano, she would occasionally pick up a banjo or ukulele and strum some fun little ditties. It evoked scenes right out of the movie, “Some Like it Hot”! It was wonderful to hear Mom play. Music filled our house and Sunday dinners with Brother, Sister and their families were always punctuated with happy sing alongs. I didn’t have my mother’s musical ear, so I was relegated to tedious scales and boring lesson book tunes. It didn’t take long for the novelty to wear off, and piano lessons ended.

My next foray into music – a year and a half as a cellist - was not by choice. I had wanted to play the violin in our elementary school orchestra, but by the time they got to me, the only stringed instrument left in the music room closet was the cello. Mother assured me it was just like the violin, just bigger. My sister had played the cello, after all - I had to continue the family’s cello legacy. I remember lugging that clunky thing to and from school twice a week while my best friend easily toted her cute little violin case. Overweight Paula with her oversized violin! After one spring concert, I left the cello behind and had an instrument-free junior high school experience.

The folk music of the 60’s inspired me to take one more stab at finding my inner musician – I got a guitar. No lessons required. No music to read. Simply follow the patterns in a chord book. How hard could it be? I strummed along to Peter, Paul and Mary. I mastered the chords in Simon and Garfunkel’s songbook. But strumming chords had limitations, and before long I lost interest in yet another instrument.

Two good friends did not give up on their love of music – these two guitarists have music coursing through their veins. One of them just returned from New Zealand where he played to 15,000 fans – his guitar is his livelihood. I watch their fingers fly on acoustic and electric guitars, and I imagine myself making music of my own– if I had kept playing. For them, like my mom, the music comes from within – and with practice. I know that I lack the innate talent of true musicians, but in my do-over scenario, I will power through the necessary basics in order to take my music to a new level. I think I'll find a new instrument to play into retirement!

Today’s 3-word wisdom: Do the work. If you really want to master something, take the time to lay the groundwork. As tedious as the preparation may be, your reward will be the sweet music of a job well done.



Mom (on her banjo) with the Merry Melody Maids, 1925

Dad listening to Nieces and Nephew - Sunday night sing-along, 1965

Son entertains the crowd with Peter, Peter, Pumpkin Eater - at Grandma's piano - 1983.

Paula and Brother - dueling Ukeleles!

3-Word Wisdom 13: Call your mother

As much as I loved both of my parents, my mother was probably the one person who made the biggest impact on my life. Her influence was not the result of an overbearing presence. There were no lectures. I don’t remember a cross word or unkind comment. She was friendly, tolerant, and intelligent - and she had a wicked sense of humor. Mom’s love was unconditional, and she and Dad always trusted me to make the right decision. As a teenager, my biggest deterrent to the temptation of “breaking the rules” was not the fear of making my parents mad – much worse was the thought of letting my parents down. As an adult, when faced with a difficult decision, I often asked myself, “What would Mom have done?”

Mom was considerably older than my friend's mothers, and I went through a period during my early childhood when I was ashamed of my parent's gray hair and seniority compared to my classmates. Children can be cruel, and I was embarrassed when kids would call my parents old - or shopkeepers would address them as my grandparents. I adored Mother and Daddy, and was conflicted with the love I felt for them, and my secret desire for them to be younger. Thankfully this period was not long-lived, and some of the tales became the stuff of funny family lore in later years. Yet, as a young adult, their advanced age had a more profound impact on me - when I faced the reality of their mortality - and realized that they would likely not live to see my young family grow.

I was in my early thirties when Mom died. I was not ready for her to go. We thought she was in the hospital to be healed, yet she never came home. I visited her on the day that was to be her last – yet I didn’t know that the casual peck on the cheek was going to my final kiss goodbye. I had so much more to learn from her - so much to thank her for. The first few years she was gone were the most difficult, and more than once – when I had great news to share – my first instinct was to call Mom. Her absence from my life left a huge void. Mom has been gone for 26 years, and I still miss her. Yet she is always with me, as I continue to reflect upon her as my model of a truly beautiful person.

Today’s 3-Word Wisdom: Call your mother. If you are fortunate to still have your mom in your life, make time to let her know you care. Savor the time you have with her and show your appreciation for the lessons she has taught you. To my dear nieces and friends who also lost their mothers too soon, I can never replace her, but will always be here to offer “motherly” advice. That’s what Mom would have done.

Dad, Paula and Mom, 1955

I love you , Mom. Frances Maxwell Coats Preston
1908 - 1984

3-Word Wisdom 8: You are beautiful

I owe today’s wisdom to a  special friend who shared a recent experience….a post-it note, randomly affixed to a box of pasta at a local market, caught her eye in its unlikely placement. Curious, she stopped to read the hand-written message – it said, “You look GREAT today!” along with a website reference, operationbeautiful.com. Her experience compelled me to visit the website and read their mission:  “The goal of the Operation Beautiful website is to end negative self-talk or ‘Fat Talk’.  If this little blog only does one productive thing, I hope it helps readers realize how truly toxic negative self-talk is - it hurts you emotionally, spiritually, and physically”. How do they accomplish their mission? The simple answer is in their slogan - “Transforming the way you see yourself, one post-it at a time.” How powerful. Sign me up!

I have struggled with weight and body image issues since early childhood. After my customary baby-boomer tonsillectomy, sickly little Paula’s health gradually improved – as did my appetite! By age 10, I was “pleasantly plump,” my weight-obsessed aunts would tell me.  

I vividly recall the first sting of pain and humiliation I felt when a boy called me “fatty” in front of our entire 5^th grade class. I dealt with the pain by eating – and keeping to myself – which thereby perpetuated my feeling of self-loathing. I cringed with embarrassment when my mom took me school shopping in the boldly marked “Chubby” section - a moniker I despised - at the Lane Bryant store. I was mortified - and fearful that someone who knew me might walk past the store and see me in the fat girls department. That label haunted me as a child. I spent my junior high and early high school years in the company of the small group of classmates who accepted me in all of my pudgy glory. Age, activity, and my first self-imposed diet (Instant Breakfast and Slim Fast ) eventually whittled off the extra pounds. By my senior year I was at a socially acceptable weight, but I continued to see myself through that “fat lens” into adulthood.

All these years later, I still deal with weight and self-image issues. For years I yo-yo dieted, and in my 30’s I reduced myself into early-onset menopause and near anorexia – yet I never saw myself as thin enough. Thankfully, Hubby did. He has always been my very own “operation beautiful” advocate, and has helped me overcome the occasional negativity that still creeps into my conversations with myself.  I have a much healthier relationship with food now – yet the memory of those hurtful comments and the subsequent negative body image issues still linger. It is an ongoing struggle – yet one that I am committed to overcoming. Tomorrow I'm getting a supply of pretty post-its to start spreading the Operation Beautiful love – and maybe attaching a couple on my own mirror!

Today’s 3-Word Wisdom: You are beautiful. You are perfect just the way you are. Love your lines, your hips, your breasts, your belly. Love yourself. Focus on healthy habits and devote your life to being happy in your own skin. You look GREAT today!

Post-it reads, "You are beautiful just the way you are." Operation Beautiful in action.
Thank you, MCF!

3-Word Wisdom 7: Learn something new

Yesterday's post brought tears. Today I think it's time to lighten the mood and turn some attention to one of the challenges of the super adulthood....

Is technology getting more complicated, or am I losing brain cells at a rate faster than you can program your DVR with a universal remote?  I like to think that I am pretty tech-savvy “for my age”. My current workaday world is dependent on my ability to navigate a complex customer relations management database, log into any number of conference lines, and access and analyze the myriad of data to create a meaningful report. When this technology fails me, I do my very best to sound intelligent with the IT support specialist at the other end of my phone call. “Don’t sound like a tech-illiterate”, I hear myself thinking – “that’s a dead giveaway that you’re an old fart.” I can proudly say that I have held my own in most of these encounters. Yet ask me to configure our TV to record two programs, and simultaneously watch a DVD, and all bets are off. Is there a Baby-boomer’s Guide to Technology out there? If, so it will be on my birthday wish list! I am determined to keep up with technology - and I'm an advocate for lifelong learning of any kind.

One of these days I will retire, and I am looking forward to my post-60 education. The curriculum will be of my choosing, and the only prerequisite will be my interest in the subject matter. Here is my tentative class schedule:

• Advanced bread baking – artisan breads, rolls, and baguettes. Imagine the aroma of the homework!
• French pastries 101 – croissants, tarts, napoleons – got butter?
• Photography for the camera-challenged – also known as remedial photography, this course will “focus” on keeping one’s thumb away from the lens, removing the lens cap before looking through the thing you look through, and positioning subjects to avoid the appearance of a tree growing out of their head.
• Photoshop for the camera-challenged – taught in conjunction with the photography class above, students will learn how to remove tree trunks from the tops of subject’s heads.
• Motor home driving lessons – Hubby may veto this class, but I am determined to take a cross country road trip. Would he prefer we sleep in the back of our SUV?
• Falling as an art form – this will be a required course, since I am a true klutz. Students will learn 1) To pay attention to their surroundings; and 2) How to fall with grace and style. A failing grade will require the purchase of an, “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” necklace

Today’s 3-Word Wisdom: Learn something new. Find opportunities to explore your hidden talents and make the time to develop them. Keep your brain cells active and be open to change - it will happen. Now, pass me the remote - and a croissant!

Graduation 1974 - I thought I knew everything. Ha!!

3-Word Wisdom 6: Keep family connected

We celebrated great-niece’s 18^th birthday yesterday. It inspired today’s 3-Word Wisdom: Keep family connected. Whoever and wherever your family is, take time to share special moments.  

Great-niece’s mother is my sister’s youngest daughter. Before you try and navigate my family tree, let me provide a few details.

I was an “uh-oh” baby. My then forty-something year old parents had not intended to bring another child into the world – with a 14 year old daughter and 19 year old son, mom and dad had nurtured their young family through The Depression and World War II. They were beginning to see the light at the end of their childrearing tunnel. Then along came Paula, and their journey as parents continued.

Brother and Sister married early, and little Paula became Aunt Paula at the ripe old age of five. My first nieces and nephews were age-appropriate substitute siblings during my childhood. I would eventually be Aunt Paula to my brother’s brood of three, and my sister’s gaggle of four. Sunday dinners, picnics at the park and holiday gatherings kept us connected. Yet my late entry into the family left some of the family “secrets” off my radar – for many, many years. It would not be until my parents’ and sister’s death that the story would be retold….

Sister’s firstborn was conceived when she was sixteen and unwed. The 1950’s version of 16 and Pregnant wasn’t an exploitative TV reality show. Instead it was masked in shame and secrecy. Frightened young girls were sent to “homes” to finish out their very visible months of childbearing, and their newborns were whisked from them upon delivery - into the arms of their adoptive parents. One family’s unbridled joy was another new mother’s unimaginable sorrow and shame. I was a two-year old toddler during this chapter of our family history. No photos or family letters in those boxes I mentioned earlier recount the tale. My brother had been in the army and was kept minimally informed. That was how it was done back then.

My sister eventually married the father of her firstborn. Together they had four more children and lost another, born prematurely. Divorce ended their marriage, and my sister struggled to support her children. A tragic accident took her son when he was in his 30’s and cancer eventually claimed my sister’s life when she was 58. Hers was never an easy journey, but through it all she loved her children unconditionally, and silently suffered her shame and sorrow of her first “lost” son.

It was during Sister’s last year that she revealed his existence to her three daughters. Her searches had always led to dead ends. She had sketchy information at best, yet before she died, she wanted to meet the boy she had given up. Sadly, that did not happen – and her daughters promised Sister on her deathbed that they would continue the search. They had another full biological brother out there – somewhere. And like their mother, their efforts to find him were futile.

Sister is sorely missed by us all - especially by her girls who keep their mother’s memory alive for their children with photos and stories of Grandma. She had been gone eight years when, on a summer night in 2003, one of her daughters got the call. A woman was calling on behalf of her husband. She politely asked a couple of questions – “Was your mother’s name ___? Was your father ___?” In that instant my niece knew. “Are you calling about my brother?” It was him! He had found his family in less than three days of investigating. Needless to say, the tears flowed and we joyously welcomed Sister’s first born into our – and now his family. I hosted a “Meet Your Family” reunion, and can still hear my sister’s unmistakable laughter in that room. She never met her firstborn, but she was with us that day to welcome him to our family.  

It was Sister’s youngest granddaughter who celebrated her 18^th birthday this weekend. She was too young to remember Grandma, but she knows the stories. Sister’s firstborn was there with his family as well – he lived only 15 miles from us all those years – and whenever I am with her family, I can feel Sister there too - at peace, with her other two heavenly sons – sharing the joy of wonderful family moments. Keeping us connected.

Im memory of my sister, Janet 1936 - 1995

Dad, Sister, Mom, Baby Paula, and Brother 1951

Celebrating new-found family 2003

Proud Aunt Paula! Nieces with their new Big Brother

3-Word Wisdom 3: Nurture loving relationships

It is no secret that I am completely and hopelessly in love with my husband. My earlier post told the story of our 42 years together, including nearly 37 years of marriage. We are both keenly aware that we are blessed to have found our lifelong partners so early in our lives.

“What is the secret to your success?” I get this question from time to time, usually from young people who are still seeking “the one” – or from couples who are new to the adventure, and seem to be in awe that hubby and I are still so happy together after so many years! Such queries have led me to ask myself what has contributed to our marital longevity.

Here is our “recipe”:

• We nurture both our passion and our friendship. Hubby and I spent the first 2 ½ years of our relationship as friends. Our love for each other blossomed as our friendship deepened. He is my very best friend – and the one who still makes my heart flutter.
• We laugh – a lot! Nothing breaks the tension of a tense moment or a temporary him vs. her standoff than the ability to laugh at the situation.
• We compromise. One plus one quite often equals two – opinions, solutions, perspectives. We recognize the give and take of our marriage, and always try to find a mutually acceptable middle ground.         
• We trust each other – and make sure that we are worthy of that trust.
• We communicate. This requires the ability express our feelings – the good, the bad and the ugly - without making accusations. It is not always perfect, yet we both believe in our relationship strongly enough to engage in the sometimes difficult conversations.
• We celebrate each other’s triumphs, and offer comfort and compassion when it is needed.

No marriage is trouble-free, and I have to admit that our wedded bliss has been interrupted by occasional wedded blizzards. During these stormy times, it feels as if our marriage engine is not running on all cylinders. Something is off. Communication is stilted. Our relationship feels mechanical. It’s just not fun. Yet, during these temporary break-downs in our ability to connect, the love between us is unwavering. We value our partnership enough to invest in the hard work necessary to weather the occasional marital storm. Remarkably, we have hit only a few potholes along the way – and our relationship has always grown stronger in the aftermath.

Today’s 3-Word Wisdom – Nurture loving relationships. When you find your true love, be willing to do the work. Savor the bliss and be prepared for an occasional blizzard. Trust, communicate, compromise, celebrate, comfort, laugh, and enjoy the journey with your lover – your best friend.

Honeymoon 1974. Our adventure begins.

36 years and counting. Looking forward to the next 36!

3-Word Wisdom 2: Write a letter

We hosted a family reunion a few years ago. For most of us, it had been nearly 40 years since we had seen each other, and for many it was their first introduction to our extended family. It was a glorious weekend of reacquainting and reminiscing.

Of particular interest were the assortment of letters, dating as far back as the 1920’s, penned in our late relative’s elegant cursive - lovingly signed, and dutifully mailed. Throughout the weekend, everyone took some time to read the letters -my grandfather’s letter to my aunt, sharing the tragic news of my uncle's death on the beaches of Normandy in 1944. Another aunt offering the details of her beautiful daughter’s first steps. My then 10 year-old uncle writing a letter to his parents in South Dakota, letting them know that all was well in Canada – his “foster” home with an aunt - during a brutal flu epidemic. On these brittle and yellowed pages were the family history and special moments that carried our pioneer ancestors through the best and the worst of times. This wasn’t a history book – it was our family experiencing everyday life in historic times. Powerful. Touching. Funny. Real.

As she read her ancestor’s personal history, one of my “tween” great-nieces commented that she would never have anything like this to share with her offspring. In that moment the reality of her emailed, texted, Facebooked and Tweeted world set in. Cyberspace had efficiently delivered her news, yet there was no record of it – simply a delete button.

I will admit that my collection of family letters and photos needs some TLC. When I retire, I will organize the contents of the boxes that clutter my closets. Perhaps the same great-niece who was so fascinated with their contents will bring them into the 21^st century by scanning them into some sort of family eBook! Don't get me wrong - I am all for progress. I embrace the ease with which we can stay electronically connected - yet I also cherish the memories that reading a piece handwritten communication can evoke.

3-Word Wisdom of the day – Write a Letter.
Buy some beautiful stationery, and send a handwritten letter to someone special. Take your time. Express yourself thoughtfully and make an effort to show the recipient how much you care. Check your spelling the old fashioned way – with a dictionary. Address your envelope with love and care. Affix a stamp and find yourself a mailbox. Keep in mind that you will not receive the immediate gratification of an instant reply, but enjoy the satisfaction of knowing what your written word may mean to its recipient. Don’t let the art of letter writing be lost on the next generation.