Bucket List, Chuck-it List

I’m a list maker. Always have been, always will be. As a kid, I catalogued my collection of 45’s –  those now-collectible vinyl discs that rendered their scratchy tunes on my hi-fi record player – each carefully numbered and neatly indexed in their carrying case (which I still have!). I left page-long lists for babysitters. The family friend who stays with our Golden Retriever gets his “Chillin’ with Charlie” instructions. Even Hubby gets one of my lists when my honey-do’s exceed three items.

Lists have two purposes, to which all “listers” will identify. They’re the hardcopy backup to the oft overloaded mental notes, and more importantly they provide the greatest pleasure of all - the satisfaction of the check mark or confident strike-through of each completed task. I compiled a list on my laptop with new subjects for this blog, and am already pondering how I will ceremoniously give each topic closure – I’m leaning toward changing the font to bold. Yes, I am that

person! 

It will come as no surprise that I created a “list” in the months before my retirement date. Personally, I’m not a fan of the term Bucket List – or the Before I Die List, as I see it! In fact mine is likely not what you might imagine, or would have created for yourself. And it’s not one of my neatly typed or carefully penned creations. I wasn’t even in list-making mode when I began writing thoughts on the subject. I was just a girl, with a post-it pad, and an app that calculated how many work days I had left – eighty-eight to be exact…

In a moment of inspiration, I began numbering the corner of each page of that little sticky note pad. 88, 87, 86, 85….all the way to page 1. My goal was to write one retirement to-do per day on one page, then transfer that page to a new stack, thus creating a countdown to R-Day and a lovely collection of super adult activities. Some are grand (book a Mediterranean cruise). Others are adventurous – for me (go kayaking). But most are small, almost insignificant (take Charlie to the beach, anonymously purchase someone’s meal, plant a garden). Each one brings happiness, and I can say that I have succeeded in accomplishing a fair number of my post-it promises to myself. I have since added to the post-it pile as my retirement mindset has expanded.

woodleywonderworks goodbye via photopin (license)

An equally important accomplishment has been my Chuck-it List (and yes, I do call it something a little grittier). This one isn’t in writing. It just IS! I have used my 60’s to detox my life! Toxic people - gone. Regrets - so long. Cluttered closets –I’m working on it. Maybe it's time to part with those 45's! I am using this decade, and the time retirement allows me, to rid myself of that which does not bring me joy. My commitment to the 3-U’s - Unplug, Unfollow, Unsubscribe - remains a work in progress but I am finding that life is so much more rewarding in its simpler form. Hygge, anyone?

I’m happy with my not too grand, Before I Die list, but my Chuck-it list has probably brought me the most inner peace. And it’s never too early to start your own. Bucket or Chuck-it!

soikkoratamo Midday tea via photopin (license)

The Beat Goes On - Not My Mother's SIXTIES!

Remember me? Here I am, thirty days closer to completing another trip around the sun, and 6 years after I faced my 60^th birthday and the angst I allowed it to create in my silly little brain. While I have blogged only occasionally since then, I can report that a lot has happened these past six years. Celebrations.  Break-ups.  Achievements. Health scares. Losses. Even the “R” word – retirement! 

-Salvaje- Hippie bike via photopin (license)

As the Big 6-6 approaches, I have realized that this entire decade deserves as much attention and reflection as did that milestone birthday. Hell, a few of my nieces and nephews are turning 60 now. It’s time for me – for us -  to celebrate The Sixties – not the era, but my adventures as a 21^st century sexagenarian. 

It won't be earth shaking or life changing, but perhaps my musings will evoke a memory of your own, or inspire you to reflect on the chapters of your story, and the cast of characters who have played a role in the person you are today. 

Tune in tomorrow for my first in a series of Not My Mother's Sixties blog posts. 

Hugs,
Paula

Sorry, honey. It's not a Hallmark

July 6, 1974 - in all of its '70's splendor!

July 6 marks a very special date in our family history. On this date 37 years ago, Hubby and I vowed to love and to cherish each other in sickness and in health, as long as we both shall live. We left for our honeymoon that evening after a wonderful reception - the first night spent at a hotel airport - and headed to Hawaii the next day. My big, strong, and self-assured Hubby lived with his parents up until the day we wed, and had to call his mother from the hotel that first night to ask where his wallet was - my man’s mom had packed his suitcase for his first ever plane trip with his first ever wife! We returned two weeks later, discovered what it was like to live together, and have been cherishing each other ever since.

37 years equals 37 anniversaries - skillfully marketed with increasingly expensive symbolic gifts - paper, wood, crystal, silver - and eventually the Golden 50 and Diamond 60th. Hubby has typically ignored such “foolish” traditions, and often chose to mark many July 6th’s with diamonds, rubies and emeralds, oh my! We frequently relived our honeymoon with trips to Hawaii, and recounted our years together while strolling our favorite beaches and toasting life together at our favorite barefoot bar. Such wonderful memories, celebrating our good fortune of finding “the one” all those years ago.

How are we celebrating the Big 3-7? The best way we know how - by being together. After so many memorable anniversary gifts and excursions, we still find pure joy in simply spending time in each other’s company - no gifts required, no trip necessary. Every day is a celebration of our wedding day.

There has been one constant in our 37 years - the Anniversary Card. You know the ones on the top rows in the card stores, with embossed flowers or silouhettes of adoring couples strolling hand-in-hand along the beach at sunset. A college graduate who is probably grateful to have put his English major to practical use, fills the pages with words intended to express the card giver’s everlasting love - and amazement - that the couple has managed to survive all of marriage’s ups and downs, and each other!

Personally, I am not a fan of mushy card sentiments and often opt for the alternate humorous variety. Hubby, on the other hand, is the card master. His gift is not in finding the perfect card – it is what he puts inside.  He fills the entire inner leaf with his personal reflections - words that no Hallmark writer could touch! I love Hubby’s cards, and have a hope chest filled with 36 anniversary messages, carefully written, and representative of our extraordinary marriage. They mean as much to me as the diamonds, rubies and emeralds.

Honey, I am sorry to say that I didn’t get you a card this year. However, I have a good excuse - I was writing my blog! Instead of standing a piece of folded cardstock on the mantle this year, I am sharng my love for you with you and all of my “followers”. Paula is shouting from the rooftop, “I Love My Hubby!” And I did the math....here’s to our 37th. I have loved every 1.17 billion seconds of it! Now, on to 38!

July 6, 1974 - July 6, 2011

13,514 Days

324,336 Hours

19,460,160 Minutes

1,167,609,600 Seconds

Happy Anniversary to the man who still makes every day a gift.

I love you more than words can say.

Mother/Daughter Weekends

After my two month hiatus, I’m back to blogging. I confess that I have missed my daily writing date with my laptop. Not that I ever put the computer away. On the contrary, Hubby surprised me with my first Mac laptop for my birthday - we have evolved into that point in our marriage when I am as thrilled with the gift of a  MacBook as I used to be with a diamond tennis bracelet. Yet, since my 30 posts in 30 days personal challenge, I have struggled finding a theme for my future posts. My list of blog topics is long, yet random - and the organizer in me felt the need to tie it all up with some sort of all-encompassing theme. What I have come to accept is that my 60 year old brain is better equipped to deal with stream of consciousness missives and observations on small subjects rather than deep thoughts. Maybe at some point, the big picture take-aways will reveal themselves.  For now, thank you for joining me on this next exploration of life at 60....

Daughter, Son’s fiancé, and I are headed to the desert and the closest poolside lounge chair for a few days of....well....nothing! The beauty of this trip is that there is no itinerary, other than being together. Our biggest decision will be which SPF factor sunscreen to use (my years of unabashed sun-“baking” warrant the use of  SPF 1000+, a spot under an umbrella and a huge brimmed hat!).

Daughter and I began the tradition of our Palm Springs trips when she was in middle school. In those days, my role was relegated to that of chauffeur and financier - driving, and doling out dollars for entertainment that kept Daughter and her invited guest occupied for our spring break get-aways. Occasionally my teaching instincts would kick in, and I would drag the unwilling duo to a local museum or historic landmark. The only way they tolerated these death marches into forced learning was my promise that miniature golf, movies or a happy meal awaited them at the end of their suffering. Pool time meant  that I was on high alert, surveying the area for the presence of teenage boys, and making sure that the waterplay remained G-rated.  Those spring break trips were memorable - and I came home exhausted and eager for everyone to be back in school!

Our mother/daughter dynamic changed the summer she graduated from high school. That year, our Palm Springs trip was not the well-planned, bring-a-friend, spring break adventure of years past. Daughter needed some time away from home to deal with one of life’s most painful experiences - a break-up - and our hastily planned getaway was designed to give me time to offer comfort, wisdom and reassurance. In the familiar surroundings of our favorite little hotel and quiet pool, we laughed, she cried, I shared stories of my break-ups - and our mother/daughter relationship evolved. I was still her mother - but for the first time in our relationship, my almost 18 year old daughter seemed to “get” that I had once been her age.

In those three days, we spent hours talking to each other instead of at each other, and rarely left the pool and the hotel grounds. Our last evening there, we took a stroll through the weekly street fair and looked for a place to have dinner.  As fate would have it, we chose a very popular Mexican Restaurant, Las Casuelas Terrazza, and were seated on the patio where live music filled the warm summer night air.  We were happy, and Daughter was in a better place than she had been when we left home. The band played one familiar song after another and I eventually felt compelled to grab Daughter and said, “Come on, let’s dance!”  For a moment, she resisted. “Dance with my mother? In public? Someone might see me!” But I insisted, and she reluctantly joined me - for one song. Then another. And another. We stayed on the dance floor for the rest of the evening. To this day, whenever we hear the song, What I Like About You, we find each other to share a dance together - reliving that moment in Palm Springs when we danced with wild abandon to the tune, knowing how much we meant to each other. It was magical!

It has been years since we have re-lived our Palm Springs girls trip, and this will be the first time that Son’s fiancé will be joining us. Daughter made the reservations at our little hotel this year, and requested our favorite room. The same band still plays at the same restaurant, and I guarantee that dancing will be involved. Our poolside conversation will include Fiancé’s wedding plans, and Daughter’s dreams with the wonderful man in her life. Happy Meals have been replaced with Happy Hours, and if I am lucky, I may get one of them to join me for a stroll to the nearby museum - or maybe we’ll just hang at the pool!

 

Mother and Daughter in Palm Springs - 2001. My surprise 50th birthday party. Dancing included!

3-Word Wisdom 30 - Enjoy each decade

I made it! I am 60 today– and guess what? It didn’t hurt a bit. I allowed myself to fret over this birthday – 60 happens, folks – and putting my feelings into words helped me to better understand myself. I am powerless over the number, yet I am in control of the contents of my life. I am determined to make my 60’s the best they can be.

How am I celebrating the actual date of my birth? I’m going to Disneyland!  Hubby and I had our second official date there back in 1971, and we still feel like kids in love at the happiest place on earth. For those who think it is utter foolishness for a pair of 60 year olds to traipse – sans children - around a theme park, let me offer my “Disneyland Metaphor for Life”. Strap on your mouse ears and let’s take a decade-by-decade tour of the magic kingdom…

Fantasyland is our magical childhood, where we “believe” with innocent, wide-eyed wonderment. We are dragon slayers and princesses (Hubby may argue that I still am!), and imagine flying like Peter Pan - protected from the scariest of villains by our corps of valiant heroes - and we find pure glee in the spin of a teacup!

Tomorrowland represents our turbulent teens when we look forward to our birthdays  - not for the year they represent - but for their marker toward what lies ahead...our adulthood and freedom! We are thrill seekers and dreamers – in a constant state of flux, like the dips and curves of Space Mountain. We drive the Autopia cars and imagine ourselves behind the wheel of our first set of wheels. During these years we question if tomorrow will ever come.

Welcome to Adventureland and our twenties. The world is our playground. We are choosing our own adventure – making our own decisions - beginning to take college and work seriously and realizing that the years of contemplating, “What will I be when I grow up?”, now requires a decision! Lifelong friendships and relationships are made, and we entertain thoughts of starting our own families. Our Jungle Cruise twenties offer lots of humor, a few waterfalls, and a wild night – or two! 

Our 30’s mark our visit to Frontierland – and for many, the new frontier of raising children. Parenthood is life's most important career. I am astonished that, as much as we prepare for every other aspect of adulthood, we enter our child-rearing days with very little knowledge on the subject. Kids don’t come with an instruction book – simply pre-charged batteries that never run out of energy. We are Davey Crockett charting a completely new territory, and our musket and ‘coon skin caps have been traded in for binkies and baby strollers.

We spend our 40’s in New Orleans Square. The kids have taken over our home, and the pantry has been pillaged -we are living with the Pirates of the Caribbean! We have morphed into our parents, and the kids are sure that we have no clue what it is like to be a teenager! We now worry about their curfews, and are careful not to let them know what we did in our youth because, God forbid, they may figure out that we are indeed human. We may need a drink now and then to survive their tests of independence – drink up me hearties, yo ho!

It’s time to enjoy our satisfied 50’s on good old Main Street – the kids are grown, our nest is empty and we find ourselves waxing nostalgic. We are once again in the favor of our children who actually ask for our advice! Life is filled with great memories of days gone by. Thankfully our minds mask all of the child-rearing drama beneath a lovely veil – even the trying moments are magically transformed into treasured memories.

Where will our 60's take us? I am looking forward to finding out! Hubby and I will ring in our next decade by reconnecting with our inner children – recalling visits with our nieces, nephews, and our children. Like Peter Pan, there is a part of us that never wants to grow up. We will immerse ourselves in unadulterated fun – and return tomorrow to reality and all that truly matters – with our unwavering commitment to making the world a better place. 

My final 3-word wisdom: Enjoy every decade. Life is a wonderful adventure - an "E-Ticket" ride filled with thrilling - and unexpected - twists and turns. Allow yourself to experience all that life has to offer.

Thank you all for taking this ride with me. Your comments, feedback and well-wishes have made my journey to 60 a treasured gift, and I am forever grateful for having you in my life. I survived "The 60's" of my youth - here's to living my 60's of super adulthood!

With sincere gratitude,

Paula

3-Word Wisdom 29: Seek your wisdom

With just two posts left to complete my “30 posts in 30 days toward 60” challenge, I am sad to be saying goodbye to my daily writing engagements with my laptop. When I began my “blog therapy” in January, I had no idea where it would take me - I was behind the wheel with no GPS directing me. I allowed myself to think (a lot!) about my life. In reading my posts I have confirmed what, in my heart, I already knew:

• I cherish my family and friends
• I need to love myself for who I am
• Each experience of my life – even the difficult ones - has contributed to the person I am
• I am happiest when giving back 

Writing has always helped me deal with my innermost feelings, and sharing my thoughts and experience with others helped me wrap my head around my birthday milestone and all of the anxiety that I had allowed myself to feel. My 3-Word Wisdom project was my way of pushing myself to look inwardly on a daily basis, and as it wraps up I feel a wonderful sense of accomplishment. I have tackled some very personal subject matter and shared a few never-before-told stories, and it has been liberating to “write out loud”.  My wisdom is just that – mine. Sharing it with you has been my personal journey of discovery. This has been Paula – unplugged!

Today’s 3-word wisdom. Seek your wisdom. Each of us has a lifetime of experiences – good, bad, and sometimes painful. Take time to reflect on your life and ask yourself how your journey has been shaped by the choices you have made and the people you have encountered. Let your self-discovery provide enlightenment into the person you are, and be honest with yourself – are you the person you want to be? By getting in touch with your personal wisdom, you will have an inner compass to help you through life’s best – and worst - moments. Here’s to your best life. I already have mine!

Here's to 60, and what life has in store!

3-Word Wisdom: Savor life's surprises

I am still in shock. Daughter, Son, Family and Friends were gathering at our house yesterday while we spent a carefully plotted diversionary trip to the wine country. As we made our way home and turned the corner onto our street, the sight was surreal - it took my breath away. There, lining each side of our very long driveway were over one hundred people to welcome us. SURPRISE!! Hubby and I arrived home from our fabulous wine tasting day to a surprise 60^th birthday party. A band played the Beatles Birthday Song – our family’s traditional birthday anthem. Caterers were cooking and a bartender was pouring drinks. Banquet tables, chairs, balloons, banners, and canopy shelters– a last minute necessity due to some uncooperative weather - filled the back yard. The home we had left in the morning had been transformed into a magnificent party venue, thanks to our wonderful children and the family and friends they enlisted to help.

Everyone asked, “Were you surprised?” Completely. Utterly. Totally. I did not want a party when Daughter asked about having some people over next weekend. We had plans for a future night out with the kids and that sounded perfect. Besides, I felt that people were really over my Big Day after so much self-indulgent blogging. Little did I know what had been in the works for months!

I was stunned, as was Hubby, who was also kept completely in the dark. This was OUR 60^th birthday party. We laughed and cried, hugged and danced - and apparently our neighbors called to police - at 8:00 pm - because we were making too much noise! It took 60 years to have someone call the cops on me – I am officially rowdy! 

I am still trying to wrap my head around the entire night, letting it all sink in. Photos were being taken and I am looking forward to reliving the night - it was all quite a blur! I want to say something profound to describe the sheer joy and gratitude I feel for the people who have filled my heart with love, but it will take some time to find the words. Thank you is not enough, but for now, it’s all I've got! This is Paula – Speechless.

Today’s 3-word Wisdom - Savor life’s surprises. We spend the majority of our life carefully planning and executing our days. If you are the recipient of an unexpected kindness – no matter how large or small – enjoy the surprise. And remember to say thank you – even when you are left speechless.




Friend & family gauntlet awaits our arrival

If only you could see our faces from inside the car!

Daughter looks relieved to have pulled of such a surprise!

3-Word Wisdom 23: Ditch the doubters

The Big Day is now one week away. My “blog therapy” has been a wonderful diversion, and the feedback from family and friends is beyond gratifying. 60 is now just seven days – and seven more blog posts – away. People are asking me how I am doing as the day approaches - I am fine. I really am. After all, it’s just a number. A really BIG number! I have clearly made a lot of noise about this birthday, and am looking forward to what the family has in store to mark my "birthday week” – yep, I get an entire week of fun, thanks to Hubby, Daughter and the Penguins. This is how Paula does 60!

Yesterday on my morning walk, I let myself meet up with someone who I really don’t like. It was Doubting Paula, and she was in my head - doing all she could to get my attention. She is not my friend. She is glass-half-empty Paula, and she is looking at 60 as an end rather than a beginning. I have approached every other decade with optimism for what’s in store - the start of a wonderful new chapter in life. But suddenly Doubting Paula reared her ugly head, and did her best to sell me a different script – one in which I must say goodbye to my pre-60 self. Doubting Paula tried to undo all of the positivity I have been focusing on these past weeks. And what’s worse, she made me cry. How dare she rain on my birthday parade. I picked up my walk pace and left that b*tch in the dust. Doubting Paula  is a total downer - she fills my head with thoughts of what I have not accomplished – she sees almost senior citizen Paula, not Super Adult Paula who is going to rock her 60’s with all she’s got. I may even throw myself a party – and guess who’s NOT getting an invitation!

Today’s 3-word wisdom: Ditch the doubters. Those (including the ones residing within your head) who cast a  gloomy shadow and project negativity along your path don’t belong in your life. Surround yourself with those who fill you with hope, optimism and love. Life is too special a gift - surround yourself with those worthy of sharing it with you.

Happy Birthday to me - 1956

3-Word Wisdom 22: Conquer a fear

In 2004, Hubby and I were selected to be contestants on “The Amazing Race - 7” – it was our fifteen milliseconds of fame. We had not auditioned. In fact, Hubby had never heard of the show. The casting director met us while we were participants in the Breast Cancer 3-Day, a 60 mile walk. It was a chance encounter – we were fellow walkers, and had enjoyed a couple of conversations together during our 60 mile journey. Apparently she was desperate to cast one last couple for their upcoming season, and we must have fit the “cute older couple” profile. We were offered the chance to head out in about two weeks, on a whirlwind world adventure, and would be gone for about forty days. Sadly, we had to decline the offer – Hubby had commitments that demanded his attention.

In watching the season’s episodes of “our” race, I imagined myself meeting the challenges of each week’s adventures. Would I have been able to rope a llama? Feed a lion? Could I muster the courage to zip-line across a gorge in the mountains of Peru?

Those of you who know me are already laughing. I am not a thrill-seeker. I avoid scary movies. During my skiing days, I was happiest on the beginner runs. When I travel, I am the one who actually checks the location the nearest emergency exit row. Some would call me a “fraidy cat” – I like to think of myself as sensible. Yet, as each stage of the Amazing Race challenged the contestants to some sort of physical or mental test, I found myself wanting to prove to myself that I could overcome a fear and face a challenge.

My personal Amazing Race moment occurred a couple of years later. I had always been uncomfortable with heights and had a dreadful fear of falling (ask Hubby about our honeymoon, and my panic attack when I thought our elevator was plummeting from the 28^th floor – it wasn’t, by the way!). The AR episode that had contestants zip-lining across the Huambutio Gorge in Peru looked incredible. I wanted to do that, and my opportunity came while we were in Maui. Zip line adventures were offered on the upcountry slopes of the Haleakala Crater. This was going to be my moment. Hubby and I signed the release, strapped on the harness and helmet and hiked into the jungle – and then I leapt off a platform and let myself fly across the canyon to the other side – five different times! It was indescribable, and there was such sublime satisfaction in facing a formerly unthinkable challenge – the empowerment was one of my life’s most liberating moments. I am still no thrill-seeker, but my zip line experience taught me that I can do something outside my personal comfort zone and be a stronger person as a result.

Today’s 3-Word Wisdom: Conquer a fear. Staying within your perceived safety zone all the time limits your potential, and cheats you out of opportunities that will enrich your life. Face your fear head on and imagine the satisfaction of taking control. You can do it!

Facing my fear of heights - from the edge of a rock!

She flies through the air....zip lining in Maui

3-Word Wisdom 21: Fill your dash

Today’s wisdom comes from an inspirational poem, The Dash, by Linda Ellis. I was not familiar with the poem when I first saw the phrase on the shirts worn by a team of fellow walkers at one of the 3-Day for the Cure breast cancer walks in which Hubby and I participate every year. Their shirts had the image of a beautiful young woman who had lost her battle with breast cancer. Her name, along with her birth and death years indicated that she was clearly gone too soon. The team’s name was “Filling our Dash”. Their message?  The dates representing the years you begin and end your earthly life are less significant than how you live the years within them – represented by the dash separating the two dates. It is how you fill your dash that defines the person you are.

Last April a special friend lost her four-year long battle with ovarian cancer. She had filled her dash raising two children who would become extraordinary adults. She welcomed her first grandchild the same year her cancer was diagnosed, and filled her dash with precious granddaughter time. She and her husband filled the dash between her chemo rounds with cruises and trips to reunite with long-lost family. Witnessing her strength in the face of death was both heartbreaking and inspirational. She was powerless over the outcome of her journey, but she took control of what she could. She planned her funeral service to the last detail – including the musical selections, the bible readings, and the guardian angel pins with a turquoise stone – symbolic of ovarian cancer awareness – that everyone would receive. In her final weeks she set in motion a complete kitchen remodel of her home, and while she did not live to see its completion, she attended to every last detail and finishing touch. To her, it needed to be done – she wanted her husband to have what he would need to be self-sufficient in her absence. She even instructed her daughter to make sure hubby knew the importance of correctly outfitting her beautiful stainless steel and granite designer kitchen with the proper accessories. Norma, your kitchen is a masterpiece and you are dearly missed – and you are my inspiration for filling one’s dash.

Today’s wisdom: Fill your dash. Life can be fleeting – don’t take it for granted. Live life to its fullest, make a difference, and consider the legacy of your life’s “dash”.

The Dash

I read of a man who stood to speak at the funeral of a friend.

He referred to the dates on her tombstone from the beginning... to the end.

He noted that first came her date of birth and spoke the following date with tears,

but he said what mattered most of all was the dash between those years. (1934-1998)

For that dash represents all the time that she spent alive on earth...

and now only those who loved her know what that little line is worth.

For it matters not, how much we won; the cars...the house...the cash,

what matters is how we live and love and how we spend our dash.

So think about this long and hard.. are there things you'd like to change?

For you never know how much time is left, that can still be rearranged.

If we could just slow down enough to consider what's true and real,

and always try to understand the way other people feel.

And be less quick to anger, and show appreciation more

and love the people in our lives like we've never done before.

If we treat each other with respect, and more often wear a smile.

Remembering that this special dash might only last a while.

So, when your eulogy's being read with your life's actions to rehash...

would you be proud of the things they said about how you spent your dash?

by Linda Ellis

In loving memory of Norma 1953 - 2010

Norma and friends, walking to support ovarian cancer research, May 2009

Norma, her daughter and granddaughter
January, 2010