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Showing posts with label Loss. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Loss. Show all posts

Saturday, March 19, 2022

Am I a professional griever?



Am I a professional griever?  
The four year “mile-marker” of the day I said goodbye to my Kahuna is looming. Today marks 16 months since Scott joined his dad. And recently I had a heart to heart with myself, as I pondered this question: 

Has my public sharing of this unexpected journey labeled me as “That Person”? The one you pity? The one you avoid for fear of triggering tears? Or worse...the one who needs to "Get over it and move on"?  Am I now identified by my widowhood status, and the unthinkable death by suicide of my son? If so, please allow me to re-introduce myself...

While each day is peppered with memories of my “before” life, I find joy and gratitude in the present. I have regained control of my heavy, dark thoughts. I see them now as ripples on water after a stone is thrown - momentarily surfacing, then quickly disappearing into the river carrying me through this human existence. 


I have stepped out of my self-imposed bunker. I say yes more often to social invitations. I sing loudly, hug freely, and smile broadly. I have a beautiful life. Most of the time…


I still feel the emptiness. The pain of their absence. The what-if’s and if-only’s still manage to float through my consciousness. But now they rarely trigger ugly cries. I accept them as the occasional rain clouds in my otherwise blue skies. 

As grateful as I am for all of the blessings in my life, I have also learned to welcome grief when it visits. Sit with it for a bit then let it be. Without love, grief would not exist. Losing a child and a husband - my soulmate - cannot be erased from one’s memory.


Does that make me a professional griever?

There can be no doubt that I have changed in the last four years, but I hope to the outside world I have not become someone to pity. Instead I would like to think my public sharing of life after loss has given my village a glimpse from my “window seat”…

Appreciation of the rare and precious gift that is our human life. 

Acceptance that suffering in life is inevitable. 

Understanding that, without suffering, we would not comprehend the beauty of the joyous moments in our lives.

My gratitude runs deep and I have learned from you what it is to be a friend. I have been comforted with such kindness and compassion from my village. I am truly blessed.



Please don’t worry about me. I’m not grieving. I am LIVING with grief. Thriving. This human existence is messy for all of us. 

My advice? Be kind. Be grateful. Stay curious. Look at life with a childlike wonder. After all, we are all stardust, fleetingly gathered into this human form. 



And we all come with an expiration date from this earthly existence!

Special Acknowledgement to my mentor, my mindfulness and meditation guide, and dear friend Audrey Walzer. I encourage everyone to dip your toes into her Mindfulness Meditation with Audrey course. More information can he found HERE


Saturday, May 18, 2019

The Story of Us - Chapter One



When Paula Met Georgie

My all-time favorite romantic comedy is Nora Ephron’s When Harry Met Sally. Besides the classic scenes that made Top 100 lists, my favorite moments were the “older” couples sharing their “meet cute” stories, and subsequent happily ever-after’s.

Cancer stole our fairy tale ending. But George and I had a wonderful Once Upon a Time. I have decided to share our story – a way to remember the boy I met in high school, who became the man I loved – and who will forever be my one and only. The story of George and Paula… 


I have an overworked and underpaid high school counselor - a man I met only once - to thank for the happiest 50 years of my life. Without his begrudging acceptance of my request to opt out of advanced Economics class, I never would have been transferred into the English class in which the trajectory of my life would be determined...

September, 1968. My last semester of high school. I spent my entire high school career on the periphery, as an observer. I was most comfortable when I went unnoticed. I quietly studied, and silently admired from afar, the fun and frolic of the popular kids. A safe distance, I thought, from what I feared would be their rejection. I knew who they were, and I envied the ease with which they navigated high school – making friends and memories from “their” lunch tables and gathering spots. 




There was one boy in particular who always caught my attention. He seemed to fit in with everyone. And he seemed to own the campus in his own special way. As a junior, he would routinely appear out of nowhere, ambling into my in-session biology class and perching himself on the window ledge to “hang out” in the class. Mrs. Swanson, the teacher, obviously knew him. And she never booted him out! The rule follower in me was fascinated by his casual disregard for classes and hall passes. He never disrupted her lessons, and left with the same ease with which he appeared.

George, Class of  Winter, '69 Voted the Friendliest Boy in class.


Paula, Class of Winter,'69 Always flying under the radar.

“Oh, that’s George,” his next-door neighbor informed me. She was a casual acquaintance of mine, and ambivalent to George’s high profile, high school persona. To her, he was the boy with a ‘57 Chevy who gave her a ride to and from school when she needed it. George’s command of high school culture fascinated me. And never in a million years did I imagine being noticed by him. Frankly, I was happy to be a “nobody” in school. It was safer that way.

By my senior year I was more interested in war protests than muscle cars. Baez over Beach Boys. High school boys? Too immature for my taste. And, at 17, I had a boyfriend! My first. He had been the laundry delivery boy for my parent’s dry cleaner business, and had a year of college under his belt. He took me to prom four months earlier, and I felt some satisfaction in finally attaining boyfriend-worthy status. I walked a little more confidently down the halls of high school, and counted the days until graduation.

With one semester left, I had already decided to attend a nearby community college. The reason wasn’t my SAT scores or grade point average. It was my insecurity, and fear of being away from home. The traumas of  childhood left me scarred, and moving away to attend a university was simply terrifying. This decision meant I could coast through my last semester. College prep classes? Didn’t need them. I was looking for an easy A, and advanced Economics was not that class!

Enter the counselor. Mr. Friedman. I don’t recall ever making a trip to visit him, but two days into my last semester I signed my name on the counseling office roster, and took my seat. I would state my case, and hope for the best. Try as he might to guilt me into staying in that Econ class, I stood firm. He searched the schedule and found an opening in a senior English class. Bingo! That was my ticket to an easy A, and I jumped at it.

The only downside? I had to waltz into the class - already in progress - to present my transfer papers to Mrs. Barry, the teacher. To add to the discomfort, the only entrance to her room was at the rear of the class. From there, I had to walk the gauntlet between two rows of desks to the front of the room and her desk. I took a breath, and marched in, never making eye contact with a soul - but feeling their steely stares as all eyes turned to see why teaching had been interrupted.

As I quickly glanced up to make the turn toward the front of the class, I saw him. Seated in the last seat at the back of the class. George looked up from his book as I entered, and as I approached his desk, he quietly made a comment directed at me. I don’t remember his exact words, but whatever he said made me feel welcome. I handed Mrs. Barry my papers, and took the seat she offered. Smack dab in the front row. I was relieved to sit down, and imagined 35 pairs of eyes looking at my back – feeling the discomfort of the attention I so carefully avoided. I focused my attention on the teacher, took out my pencil and notebook, and settled into the safe haven of English composition.

Day two in Mrs. Barry‘s class ignited an unexpected friendship. As I sat down at my front row desk, the seat next to mine had a new occupant. George would later tell me he had negotiated a seat swap with the boy to my left, using his nearsightedness as an excuse to have a front row seat. In that move, our friendship was born.

He was friendly. Funny. Well-mannered and respectful. He made me laugh and I felt comfortable for the first time in any high school class. I listened to his painful breakup story, from which he had not fully recovered. 
His first high school sweetheart. Tall. Blond. Beautiful  They remained friends to the end...

I shared College Boyfriend stories. CB was a child of privilege, a pampered only-child who didn’t apply himself and lost his football scholarship after a year. I was flattered by his attention and overlooked his flaws. He was nothing like George. 

George, like me, was the child of solid working class roots, and spent every day after school and weekends as a “tire buster” for Firestone Tire Company. He made excellent money for the time - a whopping $4.50 an hour when minimum wage was $1.25 (tire busters were also card carrying Teamsters Union members). He was understandably proud to have purchased a replacement to his mom’s 57 Chevy - his royal blue, 1967 GTO. I wasn’t impressed by his muscle car, but I appreciated his work ethic. I was content to sing folk songs in College Boyfriend’s VW square-back.

For 20 weeks we spent an hour together, Monday through Friday. George would call me occasionally after school to chat, eventually steering the conversation to discuss the novels we were reading for class. He would ask my opinion about the plot and characters, or whatever the written homework assignment called for. And I willingly shared my thoughts as, I found out later, he took copious notes. I can safely say my A in Mrs. Barry‘s class was earned, while George’s B was directly influenced by those evening chats!

College Boyfriend wasn’t interested in any of my high school activities, so my new friend George graciously offered to sub in. He drove my girlfriends and me to and from football games (where girls were still required to wear skirts or dresses). Being with George gave me a sense of belonging, and it felt wonderful. 

When a bout with flu sidelined me from attending the Senior Class Breakfast (where he received the “Friendliest Boy” award), George took me to IHOP a week later as my consolation breakfast. I finally had happy memories from high school. I had a boy - friend. And he was “Popular”! My fragile ego felt a wisp of that oh-so-precious teenage commodity – acceptance. We graduated in January 1969 (baby boom overcrowding necessitated staggered enrollment with two graduating classes each year), and we went our separate ways.

Our paths would only cross a handful of times over the next two years. We never dated during that time, but our friendship never faded. And I had no idea it was the beginning of a fifty year love story.

Thank you, Mr. Friedman!



Prom 1968. Before Paula met Georgie


After 45 years, I finally made it to the cool kids table!


Friday, March 29, 2019

The Last "First" - A Birthday of Memories


The last “First” is tomorrow. Daughter, Niece, and Smile Sister have planned a gathering of family and friends – my village - who have provided the soft landing spot for my free fall into widowhood. Our home will once again be filled with laughter, music, food and drink. All the things George loved so much. There were other options available to me.  Staying in bed all day, or taking another road trip with Charlie, the Goofy Golden. Perhaps dinner with son and daughter. But for this first birthday without my Kahuna, my heart - and his voice in my head – knew I needed to be surrounded by love and happiness. The peace I feel in the energy of so many people in our house will top off my fuel tank as I prepare for the first “Last” – the day I whispered, “I love you, honey. It’s okay to go. I’ll be okay,” just three weeks later. That Day…

Happy Birthday, Disneyland style. 2017



At some point I have to sidestep this grief journey and acknowledge Paula 2.0.  Paula, party of one. She and I have been cohabiting my body and emotions for almost a year now. Paula 2.0 is my future. Instead of the pragmatic, unwelcome guest her presence usually conjures up, I have to learn to embrace this new persona. Paula 2.0 is strong, smart, mindful (thanks to an extraordinary 10 week course in mindful meditation), capable of making important decisions - and artful at disguising her loneliness with a veil of light-heartedness and laughter. Our journey together will be the yin and yang of emotions. Two dance partners taking turns as the lead. For now I feel like Ginger Rogers, dancing backwards and in heels.

This widowhood dance with my new partner can only truly be understood by those who, sadly, have had to lace up their own shoes. Just when I think I have mastered the combination of steps, I stumble. All choreography is lost as I frantically try to straighten my ball gown and regain my balance. I never know what will trigger the flood of tearful memories, puddling on the dance floor and sending me tumbling. And the dance partner who had kept me upright for so many dances is no longer there to catch me. Eleven months of agonizing practice has helped, and while some steps may never be mastered, I think George is applauding the new version of The Lovely Paula Marie – missteps and all.

Tomorrow morning will be tough. I won’t be awakened shortly after midnight with a hug and, “Happy Birthday, Gorgeous. Today is your day.”  There will be no birthday card propped up on the kitchen table, alongside a gift bag. We had everything we wanted, so gifts were not the focus of birthdays. George typically violated the “no gifts” pledge with a sweet surprise and a sheepish grin.
 
My Kahuna's final birthday gift to me. 2018
The true gift was the card – not the printed words, but George’s personal message – in barely legible cursive, filling the entire blank inner leaf, if not more, of the card. Love notes of reflection and happiness. Gratitude and promise. Humor, and my Kahuna’s incomparable wit. Read aloud with love and laughter, and punctuated at the end with a hug and kiss. So many hugs and kisses. so many cards. I saved them all. Valentines. Birthdays. Mother’s Day. Our Anniversary. I recently sat and re-read each card’s message – his love notes to me – recalling the beautiful life we shared for so many years. They are priceless. They were his everlasting gift to his Lovely Paula Marie.


The family joke was, everyone sounded like a second grader trying to read aloud George's "challenging" handwriting!

I wonder what George would have written in this year’s card.  I poured through some of his letters and cards, and took excerpts from past birthday messages (George’s words in italics). Here is the love note his words created... 

Paula my love,

Here we are again. I can’t imagine what I would do on March 30 each year if you weren’t in my life. I love you so much and I hope I tell you that enough times during the year. Thank you for spending so many of your birthdays with me…

I’ve had the good fortune of writing quite a few cards to you on your birthday. I am so very lucky to have you in my life. Not too many people get to have their best friend with them every year as I do. No one knows how much I love you, and how much I enjoy you, enjoying your birthday…

Our life is certainly anything but routine, except for our wonderful routine of celebrating birthdays - that just doesn’t change. You always make our individual day special and I want you to know how special you are to me... Life’s perfect ain’t it? I love you. Happy birthday...


This year marks your new career (1996 – I had left my teaching profession to open an educational toy/teaching supplies store). Yet some things didn’t change… your “self”, including but not limited to; beauty, your consistency at being the best wife and mother, your compassion and forgiveness. Let’s face it, you’re still perfect. We love you. I love you, Spencer (our Golden) loves you, the whole world… OK, I’ll stop, or you’ll get embarrassed,,,



For me your birthday is like our anniversary. We celebrate our years together and continue to be thankful we have each other to spend our birthdays with. Love and kisses from the guy you have put up with for the last 38 years…

Happy birthday to you; you survived another year with me. I know it has been difficult. I am always impressed with your week long birthday celebrations. Some people won’t even talk about birthdays. You embrace them. I guess most would if they never change year to year like you. You found the secret to staying forever young. That’s because it’s in your heart. I think I’ll ride along with you!



Happy Birthday! Love to my favorite girl (How do you like that closing?)
Love and kisses forever, Georgie

P.S. Yes I know my hand writing has not improved, but it’s not getting worse! I’m glad you judge me for my other attributes and not whether you can read my notes!

Love always, your Big Kahuna


If he were to write a card to mark my Big 6-8, I think George would add the following love note to his LPM…

My Lovely Paula Marie,

Happy Birthday. Remember, I am always with you. Love never dies, and our love will last forever. You have always doubted yourself, but I have always believed in you. Be strong. Be confident. Be the person you have always been. Paula 2.0 is going to be fine. I want to see  you dance again. And I am never far away.  

Love and kisses from he who kisses you most! Me
My Kahuna. My last birthday, 2018. Love and Kisses Forever


Sunday, July 8, 2018

I Felt You


I felt you. On what would have been our 44th anniversary, I lay in bed - on your “side” for the first time since you left - closed my eyes and “touched” you. I started at the top. Ran my fingers through the soft, thick hair around the back of your head – once the beautiful blond of youth, turned white with time. You had marveled at the preponderance of follicles that resided back there, yet had departed the parts north decades earlier! Thankfully you ditched the strategic comb-over in the 80’s and embraced the bald. 

As I lay, eyes closed, in the quiet stillness that is now the soundtrack of our home, I rubbed that beautiful top of your head where there’s more scalp than hair. I thought back to That Day when I stroked that spot as tears fell – when I couldn’t stop touching you. Couldn’t walk away.  

I continued to your forehead and felt the furrows just above your eyebrows. Gently stroked your brows to tame the errant hairs. I ran my hands along the side of your head then touched your ears. Each and every fold. I softly whispered “I love you”. I cupped your cheeks and felt the sandpaper-like, end-of-day whisker stubble. As I touched your nose, I imagined the soft exhales of your breath, and I longed for you. I reached your beautiful soft lips. The lips that have caressed me for so many years. Soft and full. Gentle. Perfect. I kissed them and didn’t want to leave.

I touched your chin and neck as my hands made their way to your shoulders. Big, broad, strong shoulders. You carried the weight of others’ troubles on them. Never complaining, always willing to ease their burden. 

My hands continued down your arms. They were once again strong, not weakened by the evil beast that is cancer. I could feel the hairs of your forearms and the leathery skin of a man who had worked hard his entire life. When I got to your hands I clutched them in mine - they were almost twice the size - and we clasped fingers. I heard our rings clicking on each other’s. I held tight - hesitating to let go. It was one of our simple gestures of expressing our love. We were good hand holders weren’t we?

As I returned to your shoulders I wrapped my arms around your neck. The embrace I knew so well. Where I felt safe. Loved. As I reached your chest. I stopped to feel your heart beating, and let my hands rise and fall as you took gentle, relaxed breaths. I reached your belly. The one that shook like a bowl full of jelly when you were Santa for so many Christmases. I gave you a lot of grief about your belly, didn’t I? I’d give anything to put my hands on it again.

My hands continued to caress you – my one and only - the man I loved for so many years. I felt every part of you. Every. Single. Part. It was tender, sensual, and beautiful. 

As my hands reached your strong legs I imagined walking side by side, your confident stride telling the world you were there to take care of things. And your feet. You loved foot massages, and I spent some time holding each foot in my hands softly rubbing each toe.

I could feel you, yet you weren’t there. Or maybe you were. I’d like to think you are with me - is Heaven at my house as Max suggested? The quiet has never been quieter, the emptiness has never felt emptier.

Sometimes I wonder how you would grieve, had our fates been reversed. Would you struggle with the solitude? Would you grieve silently, or be an open book as I am? Would you cry every day? Would you be able to get through a phone call without the voice muting lump in your throat? Wander aimlessly through the grocery store trying to shop for one? Would you hug the pillow next to you pretending it was me? Sit alone in the house, TV muted, the only sound to be heard a gentle tick, tick, tick of the wall clock?  Would you go to bed each night relieved to have survived yet another day without me, and ask me to visit you in your dreams?

Oh how I miss you, My Big Kahuna. I’m doing the best I can without you. And I still feel you in my life. Please come visit me in my dreams. 


Sunday, June 3, 2018

Lonely Paula Marie

It’s another Day After. Yesterday more than 250 FOG’s (Friends of George) gathered at a beautiful venue to say goodbye to my remarkable husband. It was stunning to see SO MANY PEOPLE sharing memories, and paying tribute to the man who loved life - and adored his Lovely Paula Marie.

I had promised myself I would stay present and feel all the feels of the day. I turned down every offer, from concerned loved ones, for anxiety and mood altering substances - worried the numbing effect might somehow dull my emotions. It was the right choice for me, and I took great comfort in the hundreds of hugs I shared. I also amazed myself with my composure. I wore waterproof mascara, preparing for a day of copious tears. Instead I found myself comforting others, many of whom I had not seen since they received the news of George’s untimely death.

Planning a celebration for my Big Kahuna had been a top priority for weeks. I knew the turnout would be large, so finding the right venue was important. With the help of our dear friends, Las Posas Country Club fit the bill to a tee (see what I did there?).

Party planning is in my DNA, and this was the most important party I would ever host. It had to be perfect for George. I had abundantly talented and generous friends who offered their assistance and creative abilities to assure his sendoff was everything I wanted it to be. Keep in mind, George would have been happy with some tri-tips on the barbecue and a few people in our backyard! I’m sure he got a kick out of watching me obsess over every detail of this shindig, and was surely happy to be released from his usual, pre-party honey-do list!

It hit me a few days before the Celebration - all of this “fun” planning and preparation was for what would be one of the saddest days of my life…

This final goodbye suddenly felt real. My emotions surfaced and I knew I couldn’t micromanage this event as I had all the huge, overproduced parties of my past. Thankfully all it took was a few text messages to Paula’s Posse, who picked up and ran with the final planning and preparation. But not before I created one of my well known event schedules! There’s just so much a Type A like me can relinquish!

My decision to hand-off control was brilliant. I arrived at the venue early to see what the soon-to-be arriving guests were about to experience - a beautiful memorial display that represented all facets of my extraordinary husband’s “larger than” life. The spectacular room with a magnificent view.
Tables decorated and gorgeous Dodger Blue hydrangeas and peppered with photographs of George throughout his life. With my head clear and my emotions in check, I positioned myself to welcome people as they arrived. Hugs were long, heartfelt and emotional. My husband had made an impact on each and every person in that room and they wanted me to know how much he meant to them. I soaked up the love and condolences with gratitude. It turns out I didn’t need any mood altering medications - the embraces and shared stories were all it took to help me get through this day.

And the speakers! Their tributes were gifts. Daughter. Niece. Nephew. Students, past and present, who George mentored during his 29 year stint as the attorney coach for our local high school’s Mock Trial team. And George’s best friend who willfully disobeyed my 5 to 7 minutes speech rule with a 20 minute tribute that people are still talking about! Add to that the music provided by our special, and exceedingly talented friends. I felt such peace as I watched the ceremony unfold, and felt the love and adoration for the most humble and selfless man I have ever known. So humble in fact, I’m sure he was embarrassed and a bit uncomfortable to be receiving so much love and affection and attention.

His Dodger Blue urn alongside his LA Dodgers baseball cap, George was present next to the podium. But the real presence came in the form of the Kahuna sign that appeared while Daughter was sharing her love story to her dad. Behind the podium and alongside two walls of the massive room were glass windows, with a spectacular view of the nearby mountains. A large sliding door was open to allow guests access to the outdoor deck. As daughter shared one of George’s more memorable stories, in flew a bird! It made one high-speed low pass across the room before landing just steps from the podium and daughter. She stopped mid story to say, “Hi, Dad,” at which point our feathered friend made another quick flyby before exiting the room. Never comfortable as the center of attention, George must have decided to redirect everyone’s eyes for a moment. Thankfully no “presents” were dropped during the flyover and we all had a collective chuckle at the spectacle!

As the ceremony wrapped up I shared this video tribute I lovingly created for the man with whom I shared my life for nearly 50 years. Everyone was then invited to dance, as our friends played some of George’s favorite music. Once again Team Kahuna went into action gathering the flowers, notes and memorabilia while I re-hugged the departing guests. Not ready to be alone, I invited the family back to the house for one last gathering around our fire pit. It was the perfect ending to remember my man.

Now it’s the day after. These “after” days can be some of the hardest. The day after his diagnosis, just before Christmas. The day after he left us so suddenly. Both of those After Days left little time for introspection. Today is different. There is no cancer to fight. No funeral to plan. Today I face the reality I have been fiercely avoiding. Today I begin my life alone.

As I lay in bed this morning - on my side of my Kahuna size bed - I looked at the emptiness I have lain next to the past six weeks. I slowly repositioned the pillows I have been using to simulate his presence next to me. I put my head on his pillow and lay, for the first time, on “his side”. I spoke to him. I cried. And I let it sink in. It’s time to move ahead. George is always with me, yet I have to start looking forward, and live this new life.

I have no idea what “forward” will look like…stay tuned as I discover the new LPM – Lonely Paula Marie.