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Showing posts with label death. Show all posts
Showing posts with label death. Show all posts

Saturday, March 19, 2022

Am I a professional griever?



Am I a professional griever?  
The four year “mile-marker” of the day I said goodbye to my Kahuna is looming. Today marks 16 months since Scott joined his dad. And recently I had a heart to heart with myself, as I pondered this question: 

Has my public sharing of this unexpected journey labeled me as “That Person”? The one you pity? The one you avoid for fear of triggering tears? Or worse...the one who needs to "Get over it and move on"?  Am I now identified by my widowhood status, and the unthinkable death by suicide of my son? If so, please allow me to re-introduce myself...

While each day is peppered with memories of my “before” life, I find joy and gratitude in the present. I have regained control of my heavy, dark thoughts. I see them now as ripples on water after a stone is thrown - momentarily surfacing, then quickly disappearing into the river carrying me through this human existence. 


I have stepped out of my self-imposed bunker. I say yes more often to social invitations. I sing loudly, hug freely, and smile broadly. I have a beautiful life. Most of the time…


I still feel the emptiness. The pain of their absence. The what-if’s and if-only’s still manage to float through my consciousness. But now they rarely trigger ugly cries. I accept them as the occasional rain clouds in my otherwise blue skies. 

As grateful as I am for all of the blessings in my life, I have also learned to welcome grief when it visits. Sit with it for a bit then let it be. Without love, grief would not exist. Losing a child and a husband - my soulmate - cannot be erased from one’s memory.


Does that make me a professional griever?

There can be no doubt that I have changed in the last four years, but I hope to the outside world I have not become someone to pity. Instead I would like to think my public sharing of life after loss has given my village a glimpse from my “window seat”…

Appreciation of the rare and precious gift that is our human life. 

Acceptance that suffering in life is inevitable. 

Understanding that, without suffering, we would not comprehend the beauty of the joyous moments in our lives.

My gratitude runs deep and I have learned from you what it is to be a friend. I have been comforted with such kindness and compassion from my village. I am truly blessed.



Please don’t worry about me. I’m not grieving. I am LIVING with grief. Thriving. This human existence is messy for all of us. 

My advice? Be kind. Be grateful. Stay curious. Look at life with a childlike wonder. After all, we are all stardust, fleetingly gathered into this human form. 



And we all come with an expiration date from this earthly existence!

Special Acknowledgement to my mentor, my mindfulness and meditation guide, and dear friend Audrey Walzer. I encourage everyone to dip your toes into her Mindfulness Meditation with Audrey course. More information can he found HERE


Saturday, May 8, 2021

When Will I Be Good At It?




Hello all, 
I hesitated posting this, telling myself no one wanted another dose of Pitiful Paula....but writing is how I have gotten through some really tough days. So I forgave myself for oversharing, and this is the result.

In school I was an overachiever. Far from gifted, but I was a self-motivated student. Nothing made me more proud than a “Great job!” atta girl from my teachers on my returned assignments. I did the extra credit, read the extra pages, studied for the quizzes, and delighted in the good grades and praise that followed. I wasn’t gifted, but I was “good at” learning. 





I never anticipated having to be good at grieving. My mom died when I was in my early thirties. I said goodbye to my sister and my dad just four days apart in my 40’s. My brother left us in 2016 – leaving me as the only surviving member of my birth family. 

Then George. And now Scott....

So here I am. Experienced griever, Paula Marie. Tested. Knowledgeable. I get "atta girls" from kind and compassionate friends... “Great job, Paula! You’re so strong. I don’t know how you do it.” All the support and kind words have surely helped. But after a lifetime of goodbyes, three years without George, and six months missing Scott, here’s the real truth, folks…

I totally suck at this when special days and dates arrive.

Like THIS Mother’s Day. My first without my first-born calling me. No card with the extra message every Hultman felt obliged to add, in keeping with George’s legendary “card notes”. No "Men Who BBQ" family dinner. No hugs or laughter from my boy with the ever-present smile. Just when I felt I had reached the “more happy memories/fewer tears” level, I fell down another flight on the grief stairway. And the climb back up isn’t any easier. Especially today.


It’s always the anticipation of “_____ Days” that incite the struggle. I have put to use all of the priceless teachings from my two years of mindfulness and meditation practice. Suffering is inevitable; how we engage with it is a choice.





I chose to spend the past week being grateful for the peace and happiness my new garden projects have brought me. And I went to the Happiest Place on Earth just days after it reopened, gleefully wearing my Disney-adorned mask. I made plans with Alison, Becca and the three Grands for ANOTHER Disneyland visit this week - with 25% capacity restrictions and minimal wait times, it gives a whole new meaning to the Fantasyland experience!

Yet the triggers still manage to appear and derail me. Unexpected moments when tears bubble up and occasionally turn to snot-nosed sobs. I have learned it’s best to welcome the grief - my too familiar and unwelcome friend - for a while. And I’m good at it.



Yesterday's flashpoint was in the garage. Both George and Scott “live” there now, in fishing reels, golf clubs, too many tools and bins, boxes and carts full of  "stuff” that I still haven't the fortitude to clear out. The sight of it all typically brings me comfort. I feel them there. Except yesterday when I needed a power screwdriver for one of my new garden projects. I was at a complete loss to find one! I wandered aimlessly from the tool bench to the toolbox, and through the half of the garage filled with Scott’s remaining “shop” belongings. Finally, I found one! But the battery was missing. Then I found another. But no phillips-head bit that fit it. There was another one. Oops, no that’s a drill. If I were being tested on my knowledge of power tools I would certainly not pass! And instead of laughing about it, I melted down. I missed my boys and I cried. I put away the project until one of my “other sons“ can help me - because I’m not good at it.

Today came an unexpected knee-buckling moment as I sorted through the mail and saw a letter from OneLegacy, the organ donation foundation. I read their thoughtful words, reminding me it has been (almost) six months since Scott left. Counseling me on taking time to grieve. Then I saw it - the brochure included with the letter - “Writing to Transplant Recipients” - my invitation to initiate contact with the recipients of Scott’s heart, liver and kidneys. As much as I have been praying they will accept my invitation to communicate, getting this pamphlet today brought a level of emotion I wasn’t prepared for. Not when I was feeling Scott’s absence so deeply. I read the brochure cover, then put it down and walked away. It was not the Mother’s Day “card” I would have ever imagined receiving.


So there you have it. I’m not good at ___ Days - yet. Maybe it’s just too soon. Another year of firsts to suffer through.


But there is one thing I do know for sure. I am grateful and blessed to be sharing Mother’s Day with my beautiful daughter tomorrow. Alison and I are closer than ever, navigating life the best we can and holding each other a lot closer these days. Appreciating every moment together. 

And we're good at it. 






Wednesday, January 13, 2021

One Thousand Sunsets in the Widow-hood



In what feels like another lifetime, I noted on my iCalendar that today marks the 1000th day since I said goodbye to George. While I don’t remember exactly when or why I instructed Siri to calculate and mark this date, I know myself well enough to understand my intentions. It would be a day of reflection, marking the absence of my Kahuna with a progress report - my term paper on life in the widowhood. As year three approaches, I could offer wisdom and insight, and celebrate the re-invention of his Lovely Paula Marie. And I would imagine George’s heavenly pride in his delicate flower, applauding her broken-hearted hardiness.  Well folks, as we all know life doesn’t come with a playbook....

Never in my wildest dreams could I have imagined what life would be like on this 1000th Kahuna-less day -  a nation and the world in the throes of a deadly and catastrophic pandemic that has killed millions worldwide, crippled the economy, left millions jobless, destroyed businesses, and has left us masked, un-hugged and sequestered for 10 months. Science fiction and horror genres became our reality in a story too outlandish for even the most creative fiction writer.

Then came the unthinkable, unbearable loss of my first-born - my Scott - my happy, kind, always smiling son, lost to suicide 54 days ago. His death and the circumstances around it left me broken. Again. Speechless. Haunted by if only’s and what if’s. The Covid quarantine was perfectly suited to my need to be alone. Phone calls from my village went unanswered - there were no words to be spoken. Invitations to socially distanced meet-ups were declined. George’s pillow, my nightly spooning partner, would now share bed-space with the LA Dodgers blanket that draped Scott through life support before his donated heart, kidneys and liver were recovered to give life to others.



Losing Scott opened a new door to a different grief.  A mother’s grief for the baby I cradled. The little boy whose “owies” I kissed to make it all better. The teen I argued with over curfews and homework assignments. The son with whom I shared a dance and whispered in his ear how proud of him I was.

My Beautiful Boy

It’s also a grief of blank pages. I realize now how much I did not know - especially when Scott retreated after George died - and it adds to my heartbreak. He left so many unanswered questions. My sweet son with the big smile is gone, and so are the last chapters of his story. Lost in the conversations we didn’t have…


Today I set the intention to resurrect my blog with insight and wisdom gained on this 1000 Day journey as Lonely Paula Marie. But writer’s block set in as I poured through pages of notes I had been writing these past months. What usually comes easy felt forced. Unauthentic. Life as I knew it, as recently as 54 days ago, had been hijacked. 2020, and the first 13 days of 2021, had rendered me hopelessly unfocused. Was I struggling because there was nothing left to say? Was my 1000 day prophecy meant to be my closing credit? I stepped away from my laptop, poured a glass of wine and walked outside to view the sunset. And I got my answer…




George and Scott both loved the beauty of winter sunsets, with their golden yellow-oranges as the sun drops below the horizon. For many that’s the finale. BUT…if conditions are right, and if you have patience, your reward awaits as the sky erupts with a pink-purple brilliance that defies description. Tonight was that night.  Photos can’t capture the spectacle, but tonight’s sunset was just what I needed. My heavenly boys were speaking to me, and I knew what they were saying. Don’t walk away from something you love. Be patient. Sometimes the most beautiful moment is delayed, but the wait is worth the time you give it.



So, my dear followers, thank you for reading this far for basically a request to wait a little longer! I want to share with you some of my breakthrough moments, valuable lessons and mindful teachings that have helped me navigate life in the widowhood. It promises to be bumpy, as I now feel my way through the loss of Scott.



Most importantly, I want to thank YOU. While grief is often a solitary journey, I have made it this far through the weeds because of the unwavering support of my village. Family, Friends, Casual acquaintances whose compassion and kindness have filled my heart with gratitude. I thank you all, and invite you to stay tuned. 

 


Maui Sunset Bliss 2016





My Heavenly Golfing Goofballs







Tuesday, February 4, 2020

Grieflections 2: Once Upon a Nightmare


"I dont have nightmares often. In fact I cant remember the last one. What I do remember? Before That Day, George was always there to comfort me, even awakening me when my panic became an audible, muffled scream. A terrifying dream was always followed by a bear hug from my Kahuna. Consoling me. Assuring me I was safe, and dissolving my terror into his warm, soft comfort until sleep returned..."

READ MY LATEST BLOG HERE.




Tuesday, December 31, 2019

Something Happened on the Way to the Decade



Something has happened.  A subtle shift in the wind direction that has been pushing me - a brittle, broken, fallen leaf - detached from my tree of life. No lightning bolt or fanfare announced it. But I know. And I feel George so strongly. For the first time in two years, a sense of peace is stronger than my shroud of sadness. I miss him as much as I have every single day, yet the weight I carry in my broken heart feels lighter. Something has changed...


The other day as I said goodbye to my Pandora Christmas playlist, the first two
songs were the prelude to what was about to happen. First, Rod Stewart sang the familiar verse my Kahuna and I considered our pledge to one another.


Immediately afterward, Neil Young sang the lyric George has “sent” me so often since That Day


For two years, those words triggered tears of loneliness and longing. Now they felt like an anthem of encouragement. I stood in the family room, Charlie nearby, and I danced again. And again. I felt as if I were floating. There was joy. I danced, my digital picture frame keeping time as it displayed each image in a ten second rotation - memories - that have kept me company the past year and a half. I felt a lightness of being. Not the weight of grief. Something was changing.

And then it happened...



It began with a simple, “How are you?“ from the Costco greeter. Since The News two years ago I have struggled with my reply to that innocuous question - a well intentioned pleasantry - from friends. Family. Congenial sales people and grocery workers. For two years my go-to retort has always been, “I’m well,“ an obtuse non-answer, and the best I could muster. And much better than, “Do you really want to know how I am? I’m devastated. Lonely. Heartbroken. Angry. Afraid. A big blob of sadness just one trigger from an ugly cry, thank you for asking.” My abbreviated response of “I’m well” typically ended further inquiry and got me past the awkward moment. And I wasn’t sure I would ever have a different reply.

But yesterday, for the first time in two years, I heard myself say it.  “I’m great!” I was stunned! My auto-response caught me completely off guard. Had those words actually come for me? I did a mental look over my shoulder. Surely a ventriloquist must have muted my voice to speak the formerly unspeakable!  I wrapped my brain around the force that allowed that phrase to re-emerge. And I felt my Kahuna - smiling.


I have felt George with me more intensely the past few days. His closeness in spirit. His comfort and reassurance. And I’m not (as) sad. I’m going to be OK. I can finally feel the shift in the wind. And it feels wonderful. He's never going to leave my side. And I will love him forever.

How am I, you ask? I am great. I had a great marriage. A great love. He’s in my heart. He’s in my soul. And I am ready to face life again. Ready to dance again. Happy New Year to me!



Friday, July 5, 2019

Sorrowful Seconds - An Anniversary for One


Dear Readers,

Before I share another tale of widowhood woes, please know that I have many good moments. Every. Single. Day. I am surrounded by my family and friends who make sure of that. I've come to accept the reality that where there was immense love, deep prolonged grief will follow. Learning to coexist with the daily tearful - and happy - moments is getting easier. But once in a while, a tidal wave hits...

I'm learning the hard way. Some “Seconds” are as difficult as the Firsts. Tomorrow, July 6, would have been our 45th wedding anniversary. Instead, That Day hijacked our happily ever after. Canceled our dream of so many more anniversaries. Last year, our 44th anniversary came just weeks after saying goodbye, and my widow's fog blurred the reality - the permanence of his death. This year I think I feel it more deeply. Want the truth? I have not "gotten over it!"

July 6, 1974

July 6, 2017. We didn't know it would be our last anniversary.


You would think, after almost fifteen months, I’d be better equipped to face my second Kahuna-less wedding anniversary. Apparently I am not. For every step forward I have taken in the past year, milestones like this one are still a heart-breaking, meltdown-inducing gut punch.

Interestingly enough, it’s not the day. It’s the anticipation of a special date that wreaks the most havoc on my healing heart.

My low point came a few days ago. I painted on my happy, healing widow mask and proceeded through my very ordinary day. But the reservoir of tears and lump in my throat were always one Pandora playlist, and one memory away from spilling down my cheeks and stifling my voice, which they did - without warning - multiple times that day. I forced myself to meet up with my usual Tuesday night group of friends, resisting the urge to spend the evening alone on the patio with Charlie - and maybe a glass of wine. Tuesday date nights at our version of Cheers (where almost everyone remembers George, and now provide me much needed hugs) had been a ritual for us, and driving there – alone - this past year has become easier. Not this week. I parked my car, wiped my tears, and buried my sadness as best I could.

I smiled, chatted with friends and kept my emotions in check for the most part, with a few momentary breakdowns. But as our very talented musician friends played their closing song, "it" suddenly hit me. With no provocation, I had reached my emotional tipping point and made a hasty exit, sobbing as I drove myself home. My fifteen months of forward progress were suddenly buried by an avalanche of grief - and snot-nose ugly cries. Every irrational thought crossed my mind as I screamed to the heavens, “George I want you back.” “I can’t do this alone anymore.” “I hate this life." And, finally, as I lay in bed gulping back the sobs, I repeated the scariest words of all - until sleep provided a pardon, “Nobody needs me here. I just want to be with you.” I had hit rock bottom. I was sad, alone - and ashamed of my selfish grief rants. But in that moment it was all I wanted.



I’m “better” today. At least in this moment. This is my new life. I get it. These milestone dates will come around every 365 days, and I need to press through them. Tomorrow Daughter and I are headed to  Santa Barbara for a day/night of pampering, wine tasting, and story sharing. Just what the grief doctor ordered. My 45th anniversary - the second without him - will bring with it a flood of Facebook and TimeHop memories, doing their best to sink my healing ship. But I will get through it – one Kleenex at a time. I know that's what George wants. Let's see if I can pull it off!

July 6, 1974. Ready to begin the adventure. 


I never imagined I could miss someone so much.  I feel guilty for not being stronger. For all my steps forward, this week feels as raw as it did last year. I think I’m better at camouflaging my sadness, but I’m now keenly aware that forty five years spent in the warm embrace of a profoundly loving relationship can’t be neatly boxed and retired to a shelf of scrapbook memories. Those years ARE me. George continues to live and breathe within me, our children, and grandchildren.

July 6, 2014. Pebble Beach. Special wine. Special love. 

I will celebrate each milestone moving forward. I am not sure what that will look like, but hopefully in the years to come, smiles will replace tears – and I will do my best to celebrate and be forever grateful to have been loved so deeply by my Kahuna. 





Happy anniversary Georgie. I will always love you.

July 6, 2013

Saturday, May 18, 2019

The Story of Us - Chapter One



When Paula Met Georgie

My all-time favorite romantic comedy is Nora Ephron’s When Harry Met Sally. Besides the classic scenes that made Top 100 lists, my favorite moments were the “older” couples sharing their “meet cute” stories, and subsequent happily ever-after’s.

Cancer stole our fairy tale ending. But George and I had a wonderful Once Upon a Time. I have decided to share our story – a way to remember the boy I met in high school, who became the man I loved – and who will forever be my one and only. The story of George and Paula… 


I have an overworked and underpaid high school counselor - a man I met only once - to thank for the happiest 50 years of my life. Without his begrudging acceptance of my request to opt out of advanced Economics class, I never would have been transferred into the English class in which the trajectory of my life would be determined...

September, 1968. My last semester of high school. I spent my entire high school career on the periphery, as an observer. I was most comfortable when I went unnoticed. I quietly studied, and silently admired from afar, the fun and frolic of the popular kids. A safe distance, I thought, from what I feared would be their rejection. I knew who they were, and I envied the ease with which they navigated high school – making friends and memories from “their” lunch tables and gathering spots. 




There was one boy in particular who always caught my attention. He seemed to fit in with everyone. And he seemed to own the campus in his own special way. As a junior, he would routinely appear out of nowhere, ambling into my in-session biology class and perching himself on the window ledge to “hang out” in the class. Mrs. Swanson, the teacher, obviously knew him. And she never booted him out! The rule follower in me was fascinated by his casual disregard for classes and hall passes. He never disrupted her lessons, and left with the same ease with which he appeared.

George, Class of  Winter, '69 Voted the Friendliest Boy in class.


Paula, Class of Winter,'69 Always flying under the radar.

“Oh, that’s George,” his next-door neighbor informed me. She was a casual acquaintance of mine, and ambivalent to George’s high profile, high school persona. To her, he was the boy with a ‘57 Chevy who gave her a ride to and from school when she needed it. George’s command of high school culture fascinated me. And never in a million years did I imagine being noticed by him. Frankly, I was happy to be a “nobody” in school. It was safer that way.

By my senior year I was more interested in war protests than muscle cars. Baez over Beach Boys. High school boys? Too immature for my taste. And, at 17, I had a boyfriend! My first. He had been the laundry delivery boy for my parent’s dry cleaner business, and had a year of college under his belt. He took me to prom four months earlier, and I felt some satisfaction in finally attaining boyfriend-worthy status. I walked a little more confidently down the halls of high school, and counted the days until graduation.

With one semester left, I had already decided to attend a nearby community college. The reason wasn’t my SAT scores or grade point average. It was my insecurity, and fear of being away from home. The traumas of  childhood left me scarred, and moving away to attend a university was simply terrifying. This decision meant I could coast through my last semester. College prep classes? Didn’t need them. I was looking for an easy A, and advanced Economics was not that class!

Enter the counselor. Mr. Friedman. I don’t recall ever making a trip to visit him, but two days into my last semester I signed my name on the counseling office roster, and took my seat. I would state my case, and hope for the best. Try as he might to guilt me into staying in that Econ class, I stood firm. He searched the schedule and found an opening in a senior English class. Bingo! That was my ticket to an easy A, and I jumped at it.

The only downside? I had to waltz into the class - already in progress - to present my transfer papers to Mrs. Barry, the teacher. To add to the discomfort, the only entrance to her room was at the rear of the class. From there, I had to walk the gauntlet between two rows of desks to the front of the room and her desk. I took a breath, and marched in, never making eye contact with a soul - but feeling their steely stares as all eyes turned to see why teaching had been interrupted.

As I quickly glanced up to make the turn toward the front of the class, I saw him. Seated in the last seat at the back of the class. George looked up from his book as I entered, and as I approached his desk, he quietly made a comment directed at me. I don’t remember his exact words, but whatever he said made me feel welcome. I handed Mrs. Barry my papers, and took the seat she offered. Smack dab in the front row. I was relieved to sit down, and imagined 35 pairs of eyes looking at my back – feeling the discomfort of the attention I so carefully avoided. I focused my attention on the teacher, took out my pencil and notebook, and settled into the safe haven of English composition.

Day two in Mrs. Barry‘s class ignited an unexpected friendship. As I sat down at my front row desk, the seat next to mine had a new occupant. George would later tell me he had negotiated a seat swap with the boy to my left, using his nearsightedness as an excuse to have a front row seat. In that move, our friendship was born.

He was friendly. Funny. Well-mannered and respectful. He made me laugh and I felt comfortable for the first time in any high school class. I listened to his painful breakup story, from which he had not fully recovered. 
His first high school sweetheart. Tall. Blond. Beautiful  They remained friends to the end...

I shared College Boyfriend stories. CB was a child of privilege, a pampered only-child who didn’t apply himself and lost his football scholarship after a year. I was flattered by his attention and overlooked his flaws. He was nothing like George. 

George, like me, was the child of solid working class roots, and spent every day after school and weekends as a “tire buster” for Firestone Tire Company. He made excellent money for the time - a whopping $4.50 an hour when minimum wage was $1.25 (tire busters were also card carrying Teamsters Union members). He was understandably proud to have purchased a replacement to his mom’s 57 Chevy - his royal blue, 1967 GTO. I wasn’t impressed by his muscle car, but I appreciated his work ethic. I was content to sing folk songs in College Boyfriend’s VW square-back.

For 20 weeks we spent an hour together, Monday through Friday. George would call me occasionally after school to chat, eventually steering the conversation to discuss the novels we were reading for class. He would ask my opinion about the plot and characters, or whatever the written homework assignment called for. And I willingly shared my thoughts as, I found out later, he took copious notes. I can safely say my A in Mrs. Barry‘s class was earned, while George’s B was directly influenced by those evening chats!

College Boyfriend wasn’t interested in any of my high school activities, so my new friend George graciously offered to sub in. He drove my girlfriends and me to and from football games (where girls were still required to wear skirts or dresses). Being with George gave me a sense of belonging, and it felt wonderful. 

When a bout with flu sidelined me from attending the Senior Class Breakfast (where he received the “Friendliest Boy” award), George took me to IHOP a week later as my consolation breakfast. I finally had happy memories from high school. I had a boy - friend. And he was “Popular”! My fragile ego felt a wisp of that oh-so-precious teenage commodity – acceptance. We graduated in January 1969 (baby boom overcrowding necessitated staggered enrollment with two graduating classes each year), and we went our separate ways.

Our paths would only cross a handful of times over the next two years. We never dated during that time, but our friendship never faded. And I had no idea it was the beginning of a fifty year love story.

Thank you, Mr. Friedman!



Prom 1968. Before Paula met Georgie


After 45 years, I finally made it to the cool kids table!