Lonely Paula Marie

It’s another Day After. Yesterday more than 250 FOG’s (Friends of George) gathered at a beautiful venue to say goodbye to my remarkable husband. It was stunning to see SO MANY PEOPLE sharing memories, and paying tribute to the man who loved life - and adored his Lovely Paula Marie.

I had promised myself I would stay present and feel all the feels of the day. I turned down every offer, from concerned loved ones, for anxiety and mood altering substances - worried the numbing effect might somehow dull my emotions. It was the right choice for me, and I took great comfort in the hundreds of hugs I shared. I also amazed myself with my composure. I wore waterproof mascara, preparing for a day of copious tears. Instead I found myself comforting others, many of whom I had not seen since they received the news of George’s untimely death.

Planning a celebration for my Big Kahuna had been a top priority for weeks. I knew the turnout would be large, so finding the right venue was important. With the help of our dear friends, Las Posas Country Club fit the bill to a tee (see what I did there?).

Party planning is in my DNA, and this was the most important party I would ever host. It had to be perfect for George. I had abundantly talented and generous friends who offered their assistance and creative abilities to assure his sendoff was everything I wanted it to be. Keep in mind, George would have been happy with some tri-tips on the barbecue and a few people in our backyard! I’m sure he got a kick out of watching me obsess over every detail of this shindig, and was surely happy to be released from his usual, pre-party honey-do list!

It hit me a few days before the Celebration - all of this “fun” planning and preparation was for what would be one of the saddest days of my life…

This final goodbye suddenly felt real. My emotions surfaced and I knew I couldn’t micromanage this event as I had all the huge, overproduced parties of my past. Thankfully all it took was a few text messages to Paula’s Posse, who picked up and ran with the final planning and preparation. But not before I created one of my well known event schedules! There’s just so much a Type A like me can relinquish!

My decision to hand-off control was brilliant. I arrived at the venue early to see what the soon-to-be arriving guests were about to experience - a beautiful memorial display that represented all facets of my extraordinary husband’s “larger than” life. The spectacular room with a magnificent view.
Tables decorated and gorgeous Dodger Blue hydrangeas and peppered with photographs of George throughout his life. With my head clear and my emotions in check, I positioned myself to welcome people as they arrived. Hugs were long, heartfelt and emotional. My husband had made an impact on each and every person in that room and they wanted me to know how much he meant to them. I soaked up the love and condolences with gratitude. It turns out I didn’t need any mood altering medications - the embraces and shared stories were all it took to help me get through this day.

And the speakers! Their tributes were gifts. Daughter. Niece. Nephew. Students, past and present, who George mentored during his 29 year stint as the attorney coach for our local high school’s Mock Trial team. And George’s best friend who willfully disobeyed my 5 to 7 minutes speech rule with a 20 minute tribute that people are still talking about! Add to that the music provided by our special, and exceedingly talented friends. I felt such peace as I watched the ceremony unfold, and felt the love and adoration for the most humble and selfless man I have ever known. So humble in fact, I’m sure he was embarrassed and a bit uncomfortable to be receiving so much love and affection and attention.

His Dodger Blue urn alongside his LA Dodgers baseball cap, George was present next to the podium. But the real presence came in the form of the Kahuna sign that appeared while Daughter was sharing her love story to her dad. Behind the podium and alongside two walls of the massive room were glass windows, with a spectacular view of the nearby mountains. A large sliding door was open to allow guests access to the outdoor deck. As daughter shared one of George’s more memorable stories, in flew a bird! It made one high-speed low pass across the room before landing just steps from the podium and daughter. She stopped mid story to say, “Hi, Dad,” at which point our feathered friend made another quick flyby before exiting the room. Never comfortable as the center of attention, George must have decided to redirect everyone’s eyes for a moment. Thankfully no “presents” were dropped during the flyover and we all had a collective chuckle at the spectacle!

As the ceremony wrapped up I shared this video tribute I lovingly created for the man with whom I shared my life for nearly 50 years. Everyone was then invited to dance, as our friends played some of George’s favorite music. Once again Team Kahuna went into action gathering the flowers, notes and memorabilia while I re-hugged the departing guests. Not ready to be alone, I invited the family back to the house for one last gathering around our fire pit. It was the perfect ending to remember my man.

Now it’s the day after. These “after” days can be some of the hardest. The day after his diagnosis, just before Christmas. The day after he left us so suddenly. Both of those After Days left little time for introspection. Today is different. There is no cancer to fight. No funeral to plan. Today I face the reality I have been fiercely avoiding. Today I begin my life alone.

As I lay in bed this morning - on my side of my Kahuna size bed - I looked at the emptiness I have lain next to the past six weeks. I slowly repositioned the pillows I have been using to simulate his presence next to me. I put my head on his pillow and lay, for the first time, on “his side”. I spoke to him. I cried. And I let it sink in. It’s time to move ahead. George is always with me, yet I have to start looking forward, and live this new life.

I have no idea what “forward” will look like…stay tuned as I discover the new LPM – Lonely Paula Marie.