The Last "First" - A Birthday of Memories

The last “First” is tomorrow. Daughter, Niece, and Smile Sister have planned a gathering of family and friends – my village - who have provided the soft landing spot for my free fall into widowhood. Our home will once again be filled with laughter, music, food and drink. All the things George loved so much. There were other options available to me.  Staying in bed all day, or taking another road trip with Charlie, the Goofy Golden. Perhaps dinner with son and daughter. But for this first birthday without my Kahuna, my heart - and his voice in my head – knew I needed to be surrounded by love and happiness. The peace I feel in the energy of so many people in our house will top off my fuel tank as I prepare for the first “Last” – the day I whispered, “I love you, honey. It’s okay to go. I’ll be okay,” just three weeks later. That Day…

Happy Birthday, Disneyland style. 2017

At some point I have to sidestep this grief journey and acknowledge Paula 2.0.  Paula, party of one. She and I have been cohabiting my body and emotions for almost a year now. Paula 2.0 is my future. Instead of the pragmatic, unwelcome guest her presence usually conjures up, I have to learn to embrace this new persona. Paula 2.0 is strong, smart, mindful (thanks to an extraordinary 10 week course in mindful meditation), capable of making important decisions - and artful at disguising her loneliness with a veil of light-heartedness and laughter. Our journey together will be the yin and yang of emotions. Two dance partners taking turns as the lead. For now I feel like Ginger Rogers, dancing backwards and in heels.

This widowhood dance with my new partner can only truly be understood by those who, sadly, have had to lace up their own shoes. Just when I think I have mastered the combination of steps, I stumble. All choreography is lost as I frantically try to straighten my ball gown and regain my balance. I never know what will trigger the flood of tearful memories, puddling on the dance floor and sending me tumbling. And the dance partner who had kept me upright for so many dances is no longer there to catch me. Eleven months of agonizing practice has helped, and while some steps may never be mastered, I think George is applauding the new version of The Lovely Paula Marie – missteps and all.

Tomorrow morning will be tough. I won’t be awakened shortly after midnight with a hug and, “Happy Birthday, Gorgeous. Today is your day.”  There will be no birthday card propped up on the kitchen table, alongside a gift bag. We had everything we wanted, so gifts were not the focus of birthdays. George typically violated the “no gifts” pledge with a sweet surprise and a sheepish grin.

 

My Kahuna's final birthday gift to me. 2018

The true gift was the card – not the printed words, but George’s personal message – in barely legible cursive, filling the entire blank inner leaf, if not more, of the card. Love notes of reflection and happiness. Gratitude and promise. Humor, and my Kahuna’s incomparable wit. Read aloud with love and laughter, and punctuated at the end with a hug and kiss. So many hugs and kisses. so many cards. I saved them all. Valentines. Birthdays. Mother’s Day. Our Anniversary. I recently sat and re-read each card’s message – his love notes to me – recalling the beautiful life we shared for so many years. They are priceless. They were his everlasting gift to his Lovely Paula Marie.

The family joke was, everyone sounded like a second grader trying to read aloud George's "challenging" handwriting!

I wonder what George would have written in this year’s card.  I poured through some of his letters and cards, and took excerpts from past birthday messages (George’s words in italics). Here is the love note his words created... 

Paula my love,

Here we are again. I can’t imagine what I would do on March 30 each year if you weren’t in my life. I love you so much and I hope I tell you that enough times during the year. Thank you for spending so many of your birthdays with me…

I’ve had the good fortune of writing quite a few cards to you on your birthday. I am so very lucky to have you in my life. Not too many people get to have their best friend with them every year as I do. No one knows how much I love you, and how much I enjoy you, enjoying your birthday…

Our life is certainly anything but routine, except for our wonderful routine of celebrating birthdays - that just doesn’t change. You always make our individual day special and I want you to know how special you are to me... Life’s perfect ain’t it? I love you. Happy birthday...

This year marks your new career (1996 – I had left my teaching profession to open an educational toy/teaching supplies store). Yet some things didn’t change… your “self”, including but not limited to; beauty, your consistency at being the best wife and mother, your compassion and forgiveness. Let’s face it, you’re still perfect. We love you. I love you, Spencer (our Golden) loves you, the whole world… OK, I’ll stop, or you’ll get embarrassed,,,

For me your birthday is like our anniversary. We celebrate our years together and continue to be thankful we have each other to spend our birthdays with. Love and kisses from the guy you have put up with for the last 38 years…

Happy birthday to you; you survived another year with me. I know it has been difficult. I am always impressed with your week long birthday celebrations. Some people won’t even talk about birthdays. You embrace them. I guess most would if they never change year to year like you. You found the secret to staying forever young. That’s because it’s in your heart. I think I’ll ride along with you!

Happy Birthday! Love to my favorite girl (How do you like that closing?)

Love and kisses forever, Georgie

P.S. Yes I know my hand writing has not improved, but it’s not getting worse! I’m glad you judge me for my other attributes and not whether you can read my notes!

Love always, your Big Kahuna

If he were to write a card to mark my Big 6-8, I think George would add the following love note to his LPM…

My Lovely Paula Marie,

Happy Birthday. Remember, I am always with you. Love never dies, and our love will last forever. You have always doubted yourself, but I have always believed in you. Be strong. Be confident. Be the person you have always been. Paula 2.0 is going to be fine. I want to see  you dance again. And I am never far away.  

Love and kisses from he who kisses you most! Me

My Kahuna. My last birthday, 2018. Love and Kisses Forever