The last “First” is tomorrow. Daughter, Niece, and Smile Sister
have planned a gathering of family and friends – my village - who have provided
the soft landing spot for my free fall into widowhood. Our home will once again
be filled with laughter, music, food and drink. All the things George loved so
much. There were other options available to me. Staying in bed all day,
or taking another road trip with Charlie, the Goofy Golden. Perhaps dinner with son and daughter. But for
this first birthday without my Kahuna, my heart - and his voice in my head – knew
I needed to be surrounded by love and happiness. The peace I feel in the
energy of so many people in our house will top off my fuel tank as I prepare
for the first “Last” – the day I whispered, “I love you, honey. It’s okay to
go. I’ll be okay,” just three weeks later. That Day…
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| Happy Birthday, Disneyland style. 2017 |
At some point I have to sidestep this grief journey
and acknowledge Paula 2.0. Paula, party
of one. She and I have been cohabiting my body and emotions for almost a year
now. Paula 2.0 is my future. Instead of the pragmatic, unwelcome guest her
presence usually conjures up, I have to learn to embrace this new persona. Paula
2.0 is strong, smart, mindful (thanks to an extraordinary 10 week course in
mindful meditation), capable of making important decisions - and artful at
disguising her loneliness with a veil of light-heartedness and laughter. Our
journey together will be the yin and yang of emotions. Two dance partners
taking turns as the lead. For now I feel like Ginger Rogers, dancing backwards
and in heels.
This widowhood dance
with my new partner can only truly be understood by those who, sadly, have had
to lace up their own shoes. Just when I think I have mastered the
combination of steps, I stumble. All choreography is lost as I frantically
try to straighten my ball gown and regain my balance. I never know what
will trigger the flood of tearful memories, puddling on the dance floor and sending
me tumbling. And the dance partner who had kept me upright for so many dances
is no longer there to catch me. Eleven months of agonizing practice has
helped, and while some steps may never be mastered, I think George is
applauding the new version of The Lovely Paula Marie – missteps and all.
Tomorrow morning will
be tough. I won’t be awakened shortly after midnight with a hug and, “Happy
Birthday, Gorgeous. Today is your day.” There
will be no birthday card propped up on the kitchen table, alongside a gift bag.
We had everything we wanted, so gifts were not the focus of birthdays. George
typically violated the “no gifts” pledge with a sweet surprise and a sheepish
grin.
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| My Kahuna's final birthday gift to me. 2018 |
The true gift was the
card – not the printed words, but George’s personal message – in barely legible
cursive, filling the entire blank inner leaf, if not more, of the card. Love
notes of reflection and happiness. Gratitude and promise. Humor, and my Kahuna’s
incomparable wit. Read aloud with love and laughter, and punctuated at the end
with a hug and kiss. So many hugs and kisses. so many cards. I saved them all. Valentines. Birthdays. Mother’s Day. Our
Anniversary. I recently sat and re-read each card’s message – his love notes to
me – recalling the beautiful life we shared for so many years. They are
priceless. They were his everlasting gift to his Lovely Paula Marie.
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| The family joke was, everyone sounded like a second grader trying to read aloud George's "challenging" handwriting! |
Paula my love,
Here we are again. I can’t imagine what I would do on March 30
each year if you weren’t in my life. I love you so much and I hope I tell you that enough times during
the year. Thank you for spending so many of your birthdays with me…
I’ve had the good fortune of writing quite a few cards to you on
your birthday. I am so very lucky to have you in my life. Not too many people
get to have their best friend with them every year as I do. No one knows how
much I love you, and how much I enjoy you, enjoying your birthday…
Our life is certainly anything but routine, except for our
wonderful routine of celebrating birthdays - that just doesn’t change. You
always make our individual day special and I want you to know how special you
are to me... Life’s perfect ain’t it?
I love you. Happy birthday...
This year marks your new career (1996 – I had left my
teaching profession to open an educational toy/teaching supplies store). Yet some things didn’t change… your “self”,
including but not limited to; beauty, your consistency at being the best wife
and mother, your compassion and forgiveness. Let’s face it, you’re still
perfect. We love you. I love you, Spencer (our Golden) loves you, the whole world… OK, I’ll stop, or you’ll get embarrassed,,,
For me your birthday is like our anniversary. We celebrate our
years together and continue to be thankful we have each other to spend our
birthdays with. Love and kisses from the guy you have put up with for the last
38 years…
Happy birthday to you; you survived another year with me. I know
it has been difficult. I am always impressed with your week long birthday
celebrations. Some people won’t even talk about birthdays. You embrace them. I
guess most would if they never change year to year like you. You found the
secret to staying forever young. That’s because it’s in your heart. I think I’ll
ride along with you!
Happy Birthday! Love to my favorite girl (How do you like that
closing?)
Love and kisses forever, Georgie
P.S. Yes I know my hand writing has not improved, but it’s not
getting worse! I’m glad you judge me for my other attributes and not whether
you can read my notes!
Love always, your Big Kahuna
If he were to write a
card to mark my Big 6-8, I think George would add the following love note to
his LPM…
My Lovely Paula Marie,
Happy Birthday.
Remember, I am always with you. Love never dies, and our love will last forever.
You have always doubted yourself, but I have always believed in you. Be strong. Be
confident. Be the person you have always been. Paula 2.0 is going to be fine. I want to see you dance again. And I am never
far away.
Love and kisses from he who kisses you most! Me
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| My Kahuna. My last birthday, 2018. Love and Kisses Forever |
