Filling the Hole in My Heart

Are you getting tired of Poor Pitiful Paula? Do you question why I still cry daily? Sleep with his pajamas under my pillow? Forget to eat dinner? Is my grief depression depressing you? George’s death has stolen “me”. In its place is the actor portraying Paula, going through the motions each day with smiles that hide the huge, unfillable hole in her heart. Read on if you dare…

Sixteen weeks. Yes I still count in weeks. You would think it’s getting easier. Think again. I may have adapted to the new routine of life alone, but each day brings with it a new challenge – another reminder of the emptiness I feel. Yesterday it was saying goodbye to George’s car. Another piece of my Kahuna was gone. Who knew the sight of an vacant space in the garage would evoke tears!

What happened to the “woman formerly known as Paula”? Try as I might to reconnect with her, she’s nowhere to be found. Instead I am watching my new, and until a few months ago unthinkable, life being played out by an actor. The day I became Hultman, party of one, Paula disappeared. My body double took over, going through the everyday routine of life, but somehow detached from her new reality. My life is a Hallmark movie!

The trailer would go something like this….”She was an insecure teenager who dreamed of finding her true love. He was the guy everyone knew – the cool kid – and, she thought, the kind of boy who would never pay her a second look. Until one day, when their paths crossed and their lives changed forever. A love story for the ages, until… the doctor delivered the devastating news. Their perfect life together came to a sudden, tragic end. Now she struggles coming to terms with her new life. How will she face her future – alone – without her one true love?”

With each passing day I feel George’s loss differently. More permanently. He’s not coming back. He won’t wear the closet full of clothes I can't part with - yet. No more “Opera Nights” (the subject of a future blog). While I know his absence is permanent, my brain is still programmed to include my Kahuna. I catch myself using plural pronouns – “We have a dog,” “Our house is just around the corner.” This detachment from what I know to be reality keeps the actor Paula on the payroll!  I may sound completely off the rails, and I can’t expect others to understand this double life I live – unless they, too, have been down this path.

But wait. Don’t give up on me yet. There is a glimmer of hope. I’m finding comfort and guidance in daily meditation. I’m also feeling moments of inner strength. An occasional sense of calm. They're fleeting - and welcome. Perhaps the actor depicting me is gaining confidence. She is channeling her inner Kahuna and learning to take on his strengths as her own. They are baby steps to be sure, but something is happening – S-L-O-W-L-Y – bringing my impostor closer to the authentic Paula 2.0. 

That hole in my heart? It’s still there. It will always be. But instead of sinking into the emptiness, I’m beginning to imagine it being filled with all the beauty of George’s spirit as he passes it on to me. His love. His strength. His courage. His confidence that I can live life without him. Honey, I’m trying. I really am. As long as you're within me - filling my empty heart.