Grieflections: February Feels

Today marks the debut of  my new series of Grieflections - taken from the pages (and pages) of notes, until now unpublished. Thought bubbles, of sorts, from my widow's fog of last year, to the widow's brain of today. 

Please follow my other Blog: TALES FROM THE (Widow)HOOD

Something Happened on the Way to the Decade

Something has happened.  A subtle shift in the wind direction that has been pushing me - a brittle, broken, fallen leaf - detached from my tree of life. No lightning bolt or fanfare announced it. But I know. And I feel George so strongly. For the first time in two years, a sense of peace is stronger than my shroud of sadness. I miss him as much as I have every single day, yet the weight I carry in my broken heart feels lighter. Something has changed...

The other day as I said goodbye to my Pandora Christmas playlist, the first two
songs were the prelude to what was about to happen. First, Rod Stewart sang the familiar verse my Kahuna and I considered our pledge to one another.

“You’re in my heart, you’re in my soul,

You’ll be my friend when I grow old,

You are my lover you’re my best friend,

 You’re in my soul.”

Immediately afterward, Neil Young sang the lyric George has “sent” me so often since That Day. 

“Because I’m still in love with you, I want to see you dance again…”

For two years, those words triggered tears of loneliness and longing. Now they felt like an anthem of encouragement. I stood in the family room, Charlie nearby, and I danced again. And again. I felt as if I were floating. There was joy. I danced, my digital picture frame keeping time as it displayed each image in a ten second rotation - memories - that have kept me company the past year and a half. I felt a lightness of being. Not the weight of grief. Something was changing.

And then it happened...

It began with a simple, “How are you?“ from the Costco greeter. Since The News two years ago I have struggled with my reply to that innocuous question - a well intentioned pleasantry - from friends. Family. Congenial sales people and grocery workers. For two years my go-to retort has always been, “I’m well,“ an obtuse non-answer, and the best I could muster. And much better than, “Do you really want to know how I am? I’m devastated. Lonely. Heartbroken. Angry. Afraid. A big blob of sadness just one trigger from an ugly cry, thank you for asking.” My abbreviated response of “I’m well” typically ended further inquiry and got me past the awkward moment. And I wasn’t sure I would ever have a different reply.

But yesterday, for the first time in two years, I heard myself say it.  “I’m great!” I was stunned! My auto-response caught me completely off guard. Had those words actually come for me? I did a mental look over my shoulder. Surely a ventriloquist must have muted my voice to speak the formerly unspeakable!  I wrapped my brain around the force that allowed that phrase to re-emerge. And I felt my Kahuna - smiling.

I have felt George with me more intensely the past few days. His closeness in spirit. His comfort and reassurance. And I’m not (as) sad. I’m going to be OK. I can finally feel the shift in the wind. And it feels wonderful. He's never going to leave my side. And I will love him forever.

How am I, you ask? I am great. I had a great marriage. A great love. He’s in my heart. He’s in my soul. And I am ready to face life again. Ready to dance again. Happy New Year to me!

Thanksgrieving - Reflections on the Second "First"

I won’t lie. Prepping for my second Kahuna-less Thanksgiving still tugs at my lonely heart. 588 days without him cannot erase the love and memories of the 18,108 days we shared.

I shared my thoughts on a second Thanksgiving on my Tales from the (Widow) Hood Blog. 

You can read it HERE

It's Getting Easier

I still count the loss in months. Can it really be sixteen? Emotions well up as the 19th of each month approaches. George was always mildly amused with my penchant for recalling what happened a “week/month/year ago today”. I was his personal almanac of otherwise forgettable moments that somehow left an impression on me - worthy of my recall...

16 months. It’s getting easier.  

George, my love...
Every morning I wake up to your absence. The empty space in our bed. The void that will never be filled. I blink away the fog of sleep and accept it. You’re not here. The reality sinks in and I prepare for the beginning of another day without you. 

It’s getting easier. 

I look at your picture on the wall beside the bed. Your eyes beaming your reassurance that I can do anything. I pull myself out of bed to begin my day. I fill the moments with ordinary activities and paint on my happy face, reminding myself of all that I have to be grateful for. I know that's what you want me to do. 

I talk to you. You often answer with specific songs on my Pandora channel, played with a frequency and timing unexplained by any "thumbs up" algorithm . Charlie listens to my conversations, both with you and with him. His soulful eyes and gently wagging tail give me comfort and purpose. 

He's particularly attentive today, and as I write this blog, he has nudged me periodically. "Is Daddy with you?" I ask him. I imagine Charlie's snuggles are from you, letting me know you're nearby. 

I get through the day, and to most people I look “healed”. After all, it has been 16 months since That Day. But those who know me best understand. 

It’s getting easier.

The Grands visit often, and squeal with delight when your face appears on the scrolling digital frame.

“Grandpa!” they exclaim, doing a little happy dance, with my encouragement.

They hardly knew you, my love, but they will never forget you.

And my day goes on, without you. The routine. The mundane. The business of living. And the delightful distractions. Lunch with friends. Grand time. An occasional road trip to visit loved ones. My weekly pilgrimage to our favorite place for Happy Hour, where I get my dose of hugs from those who miss you too. Smiles and laughter. Music and memories.

Everything reminds me of you, honey. I cherish each reminder, and smile often. I  watch the video of our last dance and feel your arms wrapped around me.

I imagine your voice, your laughter and your no-nonsense, take care of business confidence. Your blue eyes, and the fringe of hair peeking out from under your ever-present Dodgers cap.

It's getting easier.  

As darkness fills the sky and the day comes to an end, I make my way to our bed once again. Another day further from you. I feel so small at night. The void you left touches the deepest parts of my being. I look at your picture again, and as I say good night I invite you to visit me. I hold your pillow. The one you took to your hospital stays. The pillow your head rested on when I kissed you that final goodbye. Now I caress it, imagining my hand on your chest, feeling your heart beat. I close my eyes, eager for sleep to numb my loneliness. Relieved to have made it through yet another day - without you.

I miss you Georgie.

It’s getting easier. 

But it will never get better. 

Sorrowful Seconds - An Anniversary for One

Dear Readers,

Before I share another tale of widowhood woes, please know that I have many good moments. Every. Single. Day. I am surrounded by my family and friends who make sure of that. I've come to accept the reality that where there was immense love, deep prolonged grief will follow. Learning to coexist with the daily tearful - and happy - moments is getting easier. But once in a while, a tidal wave hits...

I'm learning the hard way. Some “Seconds” are as difficult as the Firsts. Tomorrow, July 6, would have been our 45th wedding anniversary. Instead, That Day hijacked our happily ever after. Canceled our dream of so many more anniversaries. Last year, our 44th anniversary came just weeks after saying goodbye, and my widow's fog blurred the reality - the permanence of his death. This year I think I feel it more deeply. Want the truth? I have not "gotten over it!"

July 6, 1974

July 6, 2017. We didn't know it would be our last anniversary.

You would think, after almost fifteen months, I’d be better equipped to face my second Kahuna-less wedding anniversary. Apparently I am not. For every step forward I have taken in the past year, milestones like this one are still a heart-breaking, meltdown-inducing gut punch.

Interestingly enough, it’s not the day. It’s the anticipation of a special date that wreaks the most havoc on my healing heart.

My low point came a few days ago. I painted on my happy, healing widow mask and proceeded through my very ordinary day. But the reservoir of tears and lump in my throat were always one Pandora playlist, and one memory away from spilling down my cheeks and stifling my voice, which they did - without warning - multiple times that day. I forced myself to meet up with my usual Tuesday night group of friends, resisting the urge to spend the evening alone on the patio with Charlie - and maybe a glass of wine. Tuesday date nights at our version of Cheers (where almost everyone remembers George, and now provide me much needed hugs) had been a ritual for us, and driving there – alone - this past year has become easier. Not this week. I parked my car, wiped my tears, and buried my sadness as best I could.

I smiled, chatted with friends and kept my emotions in check for the most part, with a few momentary breakdowns. But as our very talented musician friends played their closing song, "it" suddenly hit me. With no provocation, I had reached my emotional tipping point and made a hasty exit, sobbing as I drove myself home. My fifteen months of forward progress were suddenly buried by an avalanche of grief - and snot-nose ugly cries. Every irrational thought crossed my mind as I screamed to the heavens, “George I want you back.” “I can’t do this alone anymore.” “I hate this life." And, finally, as I lay in bed gulping back the sobs, I repeated the scariest words of all - until sleep provided a pardon, “Nobody needs me here. I just want to be with you.” I had hit rock bottom. I was sad, alone - and ashamed of my selfish grief rants. But in that moment it was all I wanted.

I’m “better” today. At least in this moment. This is my new life. I get it. These milestone dates will come around every 365 days, and I need to press through them. Tomorrow Daughter and I are headed to  Santa Barbara for a day/night of pampering, wine tasting, and story sharing. Just what the grief doctor ordered. My 45th anniversary - the second without him - will bring with it a flood of Facebook and TimeHop memories, doing their best to sink my healing ship. But I will get through it – one Kleenex at a time. I know that's what George wants. Let's see if I can pull it off!

July 6, 1974. Ready to begin the adventure. 

I never imagined I could miss someone so much.  I feel guilty for not being stronger. For all my steps forward, this week feels as raw as it did last year. I think I’m better at camouflaging my sadness, but I’m now keenly aware that forty five years spent in the warm embrace of a profoundly loving relationship can’t be neatly boxed and retired to a shelf of scrapbook memories. Those years ARE me. George continues to live and breathe within me, our children, and grandchildren.

July 6, 2014. Pebble Beach. Special wine. Special love. 

I will celebrate each milestone moving forward. I am not sure what that will look like, but hopefully in the years to come, smiles will replace tears – and I will do my best to celebrate and be forever grateful to have been loved so deeply by my Kahuna. 

Happy anniversary Georgie. I will always love you.

July 6, 2013

Chapter 6 - The Wedding

Time it was, and what a time it was,

It was, a time of innocence,

A time of confidences.

Long ago it must be, I have a photograph,

Preserve your memories, they’re all that’s left you…

Simon & Garfunkel

July 6,1974. We were babies. 23 years old. Earlier chapters told the story behind this moment  I will forever remember our special day. The love we shared. The love that will never, ever die...

The Wedding

We were both in college, living at home until the day we married, (except for my six month trial run sharing an apartment with a girlfriend). As college seniors in 1973, we considered graduation as merely a baton pass to the bigger prize – law school for George, student teaching and my credential for me. Our wedding would have to wait until one of us (me) had completed grad school and found gainful employment. 

I remember when (early spring, 1973) and where (headed to a Dodgers game) I pulled out the only calendar available (the back of my check register) and threw out some possible dates for our Big Day. I balked at a June date. Too cliché. We settled on July 6, 1974 – a little more than a year away. George would have one year of law school under his belt, and could step into his summer job - now managing  Firestone stores. I would have my credential and hopefully find a teaching position before school started in September.

My seventies fashion sense envisioned a wedding in a park-like setting, wearing a country-girl influenced dress. I worked for JW Robinson's department store and found my perfect wedding dress - a floor length beauty, complete with an eyelet pinafore - straight out of  Country Brides magazine. With my employee discount, I got my $120 dream dress for under a hundred bucks! A floppy wide brimmed hat would complete my John Denver/Country Girl-worthy, field-of-flowers wedding.

Farrah had the hat I wanted...

George had a different dream wedding scenario. I had not given away any secrets about my dress, when he said, “I have always imagined you walking down a church aisle, and lifting your veil for our first kiss as husband and wife.” I was so touched by his romanticism and honesty. How could I deny the man I adored his wedding moment? A church wedding it would be. There was one problem, though. My country girl dress would not work with that veil he dreamed of, and with a no-return policy, my only option was to buy a second wedding dress! I went all out - $150 for dress number two, plus a $20 veil and $10 headpiece. 

Dress No. 2. And the veil of George's dreams.

Home sewn bridesmaids dresses. Field flowers in baskets. And those wide brim hats!

I left the field flowers and wide brim hats for my bridesmaids, and walked down the aisle to the love of my life. He lifted my veil for our first, “Mr. and Mrs.” kiss, and I loved that moment as much as he did.

Veil lifted. Husband and Wife. Perfection

July 6, 1974. And yes, the tuxedos were yellow. It was the 70's!

Our wedding coincided with my parents’ retirement, and we knew they could not finance a large affair. Still our day was everything we dreamed of, surrounded by family and friends, with a reception at Brother’s beautiful home. 

On a shoestring budget, and in order to save the $10 delivery charge, we transported the cake in the back of George's Pinto - in 100 degree Valley heat!

George’s parents gave us a wonderful wedding gift – airfare for a two week vacation in Hawaii. It would be George's first air travel, and only my second. And George, as always, saved enough for our hotel and expenses. Our wedding night would be spent at a hotel near the airport. And it would be our first overnight together – ever. 

After the reception. Headed to our first overnight together!

And among other wedding night discoveries, I learned yet another sweet tidbit about my husband...

Did I mention George lived at home until our wedding day? My remarkably strong and capable man saw no reason to leave home. “Why pay rent when I can barely afford my law books?” he would reason. I would discover on our wedding night that his mom packed his suitcase for our Hawaiian honeymoon! He had to call home from the hotel to ask her where she packed his checkbook!

Let the adventures begin!

Honeymoon bliss. The love that lasted a lifetime....

Hawaiian Honeymoon Memories, 1974. I would have to work on my Kahuna's clothing choices!

To those who have been following my trip down Memory Lane, I thank you for indulging my shameless romanticism. I hope to write more chapters, if only for myself - recollections of our joys and challenges as newlyweds and new parents. Navigating all that life and marriage threw our way in our 43 years of marriage. We all know by now I'm a hopeless over-sharer, and writing has certainly been my grief therapy. 

As with the old photos I shared, time has blurred the focus of so many memories. The colors have faded, yet the images have reminded me that life doesn't have to be remembered in the detail it was lived. Remembering bits and pieces of our journey has softened the pain of my grief. I have smiled more than cried as the chapters have emerged from my memories to these posts. And I know. George is with me. Always. As I turn the corner and lean into my new life, I will cherish the years as his Lovely Paula Marie.

Chapter 5 - The Proposal

The Proposal

Looking back, I realize now how young we were when we found our “person”. From the day we met, George and I were perfectly suited for each other. We loved our families and looked forward to starting our own. We had our career goals in full view, and we were in love. All of this, and we had just turned 20!

Young love - young lovers

School, work and studying filled our calendars, but we always found time to be together. Sunday family dinners were spent at either his home or mine  – or sometimes both. An afternoon with my family followed by a trip to the Hultman house, where George’s family gathered for a summer barbecue and a swim in the pool. 

Life was wonderful. We were in love – and in like. No quarrels or fights. We both continued living at home, and would never even consider spending an overnight together - imagining our parents' disapproval - and making our covert intimate moments more special. We loved whatever we were doing, as long as we were with each other.   

Oh the captions this image could generate!

At some point over the next year and a half, we both felt the excitement of imagining our life together. When I casually mentioned to my mother, “Mom, would you be happy if I married George?” her approval was instantaneous. I had chosen the boy of my parent’s dreams!

George was working fewer hours as pre-law coursework got more challenging, and he promised me a ring – someday – when he could afford one worthy of his Lovely Paula Marie. We strolled the storefronts of Northridge Mall, and stopped to admire rings in the jewelry store windows. I wasn’t in a hurry, and would have been happy with whatever he picked. But, as always, he had a plan…

Northridge Fashion Center, circa 1971. 

December, 1972 As Christmas approached, we found ourselves at the mall quite often. Engagement ring window-shopping had been replaced with Christmas present buying, and George confessed he wanted to give me a coat as my present. My coat obsession traces back to my winter, 1969 trip to South Dakota. Until then my Southern California born and bred senses had never seen snow fall, observed icicles, or felt chilled to the bone! Coats were essential there, and styles of the day had me hooked. While I wouldn’t need it often, I longed for a variation of the popular maxi length coat with wool shearling collar and cuffs.  

The coat style of my dreams. Perfectly unsuited for Southern California.

George was well aware of my very specific taste, and wanted me to pick out the coat. He would buy it, gift wrap it, and present it to me on Christmas. He mentioned on several occasions how bad he felt, having me pick my own present, but I assured him it was perfectly fine. I was eager to open the gift box and wear my gorgeous new coat, no matter how warm that SoCal Christmas weather would be.

Christmas Eve was the Hultman’s traditional night to gather for dinner as a family. George became Uncle Santa, happily donning the red suit and beard as he “Ho, ho, ho’d” his heart out, to the delight of my nieces and his nephews. My family always chose Christmas night for the family get-together, which eliminated the need to “choose” with whom we would spend the holidays. Another perfect fit!

Uncle Santa passing our presents 

On the afternoon of Christmas Eve, 1972, George arrived at my door with the huge, recognizable Bullock's Department Store box holding my beautiful new coat. I looked forward to wrapping myself in all its mod splendor, and he looked happy presenting it to me. “Let’s go into the den so you can open it now,” he said. I was a bit puzzled he chose a room so un-Christmas-y, but off we went to our little TV room/den. He handed me the box, heavy under the weight of that mid length beauty, and we sat together as I untied the bow and lifted the top off the box. Tissue flew as I attempted to reach my coat. Instead, I uncovered…bricks! And hidden in the center of that oversized gift box I saw it – a two by two inch jewelry box. My heart skipped a beat! My boyfriend was about to propose.

I don’t remember his exact words. But I do remember the thrill of the moment. The beautiful, almost one carat, marquis cut diamond solitaire, set in a brushed yellow gold band. He had been saving for months, and drove to the LA Jewelry Mart to find the perfect diamond and setting – with all of the details from all the rings I admired in those jewelry store windows. He got down on his knee, asked me to spend the rest of my life with him and slipped the ring on my finger - and I said “Yes!” We were engaged, and I rushed to the next room and my parents – who had been in on the surprise all along. George was old school and had asked my parents’ blessing weeks earlier. Hugs and handshakes ensued. 

“I have to show Lolly!” My best friend lived a few houses away, and as we walked to her house, I held my left hand at arm’s length, admiring my newly adorned ring finger. We drove to his house, my arm still extended as I admired my beautiful ring, and his parents and family made me feel as if I was already a part of the Hultman clan. It was a Christmas Eve to remember. Paula Preston was going to become Paula Hultman.

And The Coat? It was in a box under our Christmas tree the next morning. A Christmas gift from my parents!

The Coat. Not a single photo of The Ring could be found!