In what feels like another lifetime, I noted on my iCalendar that today marks the 1000th day since I said goodbye to George. While I don’t remember exactly when or why I instructed Siri to calculate and mark this date, I know myself well enough to understand my intentions. It would be a day of reflection, marking the absence of my Kahuna with a progress report - my term paper on life in the widowhood. As year three approaches, I could offer wisdom and insight, and celebrate the re-invention of his Lovely Paula Marie. And I would imagine George’s heavenly pride in his delicate flower, applauding her broken-hearted hardiness. Well folks, as we all know life doesn’t come with a playbook....
Never in my wildest dreams could I have imagined what life would be like on this 1000th Kahuna-less day - a nation and the world in the throes of a deadly and catastrophic pandemic that has killed millions worldwide, crippled the economy, left millions jobless, destroyed businesses, and has left us masked, un-hugged and sequestered for 10 months. Science fiction and horror genres became our reality in a story too outlandish for even the most creative fiction writer.
Then came the unthinkable, unbearable loss of my first-born - my Scott - my happy, kind, always smiling son, lost to suicide 54 days ago. His death and the circumstances around it left me broken. Again. Speechless. Haunted by if only’s and what if’s. The Covid quarantine was perfectly suited to my need to be alone. Phone calls from my village went unanswered - there were no words to be spoken. Invitations to socially distanced meet-ups were declined. George’s pillow, my nightly spooning partner, would now share bed-space with the LA Dodgers blanket that draped Scott through life support before his donated heart, kidneys and liver were recovered to give life to others.
Losing Scott opened a new door to a different grief. A mother’s grief for the baby I cradled. The little boy whose “owies” I kissed to make it all better. The teen I argued with over curfews and homework assignments. The son with whom I shared a dance and whispered in his ear how proud of him I was.
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| My Beautiful Boy |
It’s also a grief of blank pages. I realize now how much I did not know - especially when Scott retreated after George died - and it adds to my heartbreak. He left so many unanswered questions. My sweet son with the big smile is gone, and so are the last chapters of his story. Lost in the conversations we didn’t have…
Today I set the intention to resurrect my blog with insight and wisdom gained on this 1000 Day journey as Lonely Paula Marie. But writer’s block set in as I poured through pages of notes I had been writing these past months. What usually comes easy felt forced. Unauthentic. Life as I knew it, as recently as 54 days ago, had been hijacked. 2020, and the first 13 days of 2021, had rendered me hopelessly unfocused. Was I struggling because there was nothing left to say? Was my 1000 day prophecy meant to be my closing credit? I stepped away from my laptop, poured a glass of wine and walked outside to view the sunset. And I got my answer…
George and
Scott both loved the beauty of winter sunsets, with their golden yellow-oranges
as the sun drops below the horizon. For many that’s the finale. BUT…if conditions
are right, and if you have patience, your reward awaits as the sky erupts with
a pink-purple brilliance that defies description. Tonight was that night. Photos can’t capture the spectacle, but tonight’s
sunset was just what I needed. My heavenly boys were speaking to me, and I knew
what they were saying. Don’t walk away from something you love. Be patient. Sometimes
the most beautiful moment is delayed, but the wait is worth the time you give
it.
So, my dear
followers, thank you for reading this far for basically a request to wait a little
longer! I want to share with you some of my breakthrough moments, valuable
lessons and mindful teachings that have helped me navigate life in the widowhood.
It promises to be bumpy, as I now feel my way through the loss of Scott.
Most importantly, I want to thank YOU. While grief is often a solitary journey, I have made it this far through the weeds because of the unwavering support of my village. Family, Friends, Casual acquaintances whose compassion and kindness have filled my heart with gratitude. I thank you all, and invite you to stay tuned.
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| Maui Sunset Bliss 2016 |
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| My Heavenly Golfing Goofballs |
